It's the 365th day of the year...

Well it's the 365th day of the year. The last day of 2013. There is so much that could be said about this odd numbered year. The most obvious to me is the journey of learning to live in this world without my grandma. When January 1st came around last year, I was a bundle of emotions. Friends invited me to come spend New Year's Eve with them, but I was too sad to wear anything other than black. I struggle to brush my hair now, so you can only imagine what my hair looked like then. It's definitely gotten a lot better. Thankfully, I'm not just talking about my hair.

In January, I got to celebrate my dad's 58th birthday with a hamburger looking cake. It was the first family birthday we celebrated since my grandma passed away and so when we sang, my mom and grandpa cried. My grandma loved birthdays including her own. Birthdays will always be a way to remember her!

February brought joy and love too. Lent came early this year so my talk for Exalt was about the crosses we all carry. My cross was the pain of no longer having my grandma. There were other things I was dealing with, but this was my biggest cross. I tried to understand this idea of carrying crosses. Some are heavier than others, but they all still weigh on our shoulders, so why? As I prayed, I was reminded that even Jesus needed help carrying His cross. So if Jesus, who came to save us needed help, He must have known that we would need help to carry our crosses too. And that's when my perspective was shifted. We are asked to carry our crosses, but Jesus didn't say we had to do it alone. "Diosito te va ayudar," my grandma always said that. "God, will help you." That has become my mantra this year, a little part of my grandma still with me!

During this same month, I got to celebrate a Valentines Day full of love. Not the romantic love you might imagine on this day, but rather that of family and friends. I was invited to dinner by a friend and afterwards enjoyed the company of my roommate during Magic Mike. It probably was the most eventful VDay I have ever had, except when I was in elementary school and we got to pass out Valetines to everyone.

February also brought the celebration of Diana's 21st Birthday in the city of San Francisco. Keeping it Diana style, our hotel was not too far from the Tenderloin, but we stayed safe and had a great time celebrating with the birthday girl and friends! Swing dancing, rollerblade dancing, art in the park, hot dogs, tinder, warm weather in February, hot pants, and late night pizza. It was good to be around these girls and making memories of joy, support, laughter, and love.

Before I knew, it was March! This was a tough month. Finals were right around the corner and my Sociology Quantitative and Theory classes were kicking my butt. Yet through this stress, I had a conversation with a mentor about what was going on with me. He asked me if I had talked to God about it. Had I invited Him into the chaos? This also became a mantra kind of thing for me. "Have you talked to God about it?"

It really made a difference when April came around and I decided to go on the Silent Retreat. April 20th, 2013 was the day I wrote a poem about living in a country that is based on freedom, yet I didn't feel free because I was dealing with a lot. However, that same day, seeds were planted for that freedom and love which would blossom later in the year. I started a practice of Honest Prayers, where I talked to God about everything without worrying that I wasn't saying the right thing. This weekend opened my eyes to moments of grace. I began to really pay attention to moments where God's grace was at work. I was able to see how my grandma was still part of my life.

May 8th came out of nowhere though. That was the day Michael Kelly passed away. That was the day that changed the lives of many, including my own. Yet through this tough loss, God opened me to a kind of compassion and love that I have never really seen before. So many people came together to celebrate the life of Michael. A life that brought so much good, laughter, and love.

I played in the Michael Kelly tournament with Lauren Farwell and Vaniah Holtz a month later in June. We called ourselves team size of heart because two out of three of us were not very tall. We just loved Michael and wanted to partake in the game he so loved! I hadn't seen Farwell in a long time since she had been abroad so it was good to catch up and soon after I was invited to live with her in what is now known as Ratchet House with four other great girls!

Summer finally came, but it had been a long school year, so I didn't have any set plans for a job. Thankfully, my friend Amy encouraged me to apply at Bene Gusto in Browns Valley, where she worked for a while. July 2nd, I got a call asking when I could start working. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. I had never worked at a restaurant before. Heck I had never opened a wine bottle before either. Yeah, I was 21 and from Napa and I didn't know how to open wine. Great. I was terrified. The first week of training was terrible. I wanted to quit, but through the support of family, friends, and Fr. Manh, I decided to stay and it turned out to be such a great working experience. I got to learn about food and wine. I got to meet really interesting people, even if sometimes they made me split checks 15 ways. And surprisingly, learned a lot about myself.

In August, I took a couple days off to fly to Las Vegas where I would meet up with some of my best friends from high school to celebrate the baby in the group, Maleana's 21st Birthday, Selena Gomez style. "How about that ride in...too real." This same month, I got to take my sister, Giselle, to the Jonas Brother's concert. It was her gift for her Sweet 16. She loved them when she was in 5th grade and okay I loved them when I was a sophomore in high school. It had been almost six years since the last time we saw them in concert so WE HAD SO MUCH FUN! And we got to do this with just the two of us. No parents. I mean I guess I was 21 at the time, which means I'm an adult, but sometimes I still feel 17 so it was cool to be able to do that.

September. What a month. Celebrated my little brother's 12th birthday. I tend go all out on his birthday every year, so this year I decided to play a little trick on him. I baked him a cake and told him that was his gift. He was sad and he was honest about it. He was so cute about it though. Finally, I gave in after he came home from soccer practice and I gave him his gift. I know he is young, and trust me I know I created a monster, but he got a phone. "I knew you wouldn't let me down," were words he so genuinely said and made it worth it though. This same month I went on the Search Crew retreat where the beginning of really great things was set into place. Hashtags. Strawberries. Hugs. What does the Fox say. Staring in the eyes exercise. What a group of amazing people I met that weekend.

A week later it was October and I got to lead my last CLC Leadership Formation Retreat! It was great to see how CLC has expanded since my sophomore year. I enjoyed meeting the new leaders and connecting with returning leaders too. This month also brought my 22nd birthday. This day will seriously be one to remember! I am one lucky girl. Joe Sarmiento sang feeling 22 for me in a penguin suit, Manh came to my house and wore pink since it was Wednesday, a lot of my friends who came over wore pink too, the famous bell gave its first appearance, and I was surrounded by lots of love and friendship. It was my first birthday without my grandma so it got a little emotional, but all in all I was very blessed to celebrate another year!

On November 2nd I had the amazing opportunity to read at Fr. Manh's Final Vows. It was like being at a wedding. I was reminded of how God works. 20 years before, Fr. Manh decided to become a Jesuit. If he hadn't decided to do that, my life would be so different! And before I knew, it had been 8 weeks since the crew retreat and it was finally time to go on Search. What an amazing weekend! Periwinkle Platypi. Back Crew Partner Clay. Having Erin Kinda on the retreat. Giving a talk on prayer. Watching my fellow front crew members give their talks. Watching back crew back in up. Backing it up twerking as Miley. Sorry JC. Prayer Partners. Having Manh there. Life in Color Dance. And last but not least the staring in the eyes exercise one last time. This was a very powerful experience for me because it brought full circle a lot of what I had gone through in 2013. As I stared into the eyes of my crew members, I saw in their eyes a reflection of what this experience had been for them. For me. For us. I'd say more about this, but I realize this post is already cutting it on the length. Thank you for sticking around. There's just one month left...

DECEMBER!!! This has truly been a very special month. On the 9th a very special guy took me out on a date filled with surprises. Jack in the Box for lunch (my dad's favorite place), Christmas shopping, driving up the hills as the sun set, special playlist, flowers, dinner at an Italian restaurant, Christmas in the park, and an Orchid because that was my grandma's favorite flower. He wanted to give it to me on the 12th, but he knew that I would be home with my family celebrating her life with a mass. On the 12th, I received an outpouring of love by many friends and mentors because they knew this was the anniversary of my grandma entering Heaven with Jesus and Our Lady of Guadalupe. Three days later, I packed my bags and embarked on the 5-day Ignatian Silent Retreat, where again if I went into details, I would need a separate post, so I'll sum it up by saying that my New Years Resolution will be to share the LOVE I have received with others. It's time to smear the world with God's love!

May you have a blessed last day of 2013!!!

An assortment of words...

My last fall quarter at SCU.

Seemed so far away when I was going through my first one.

Now I have two left.

Winter.

Spring.

Oh, how great SCU has been to me.

I didn't see it when I was first getting adjusted.

Now there's so much.

CLC.

Search.

9PM Mass

San Filippo Desk.

Nobili Desk.

Intern for Vice President of Finance and Admin.

Ignation Spirituality.

LEAD.

Ratchet House.

Sobrato.

Campisi.

Tutoring at Buscar Middle School.

Service at Alzheimer's Activity Center.

Volunteer at Skills Plus.

Friends.

Education.

Social Justice.

Discovering my Calling.

Mentors.

Love.

Laughter.

Growth.

Freedom.

Community.

There's still so much more that SCU has to offer.

Looking forward to what the next two quarters have in store.

Trying to get on the writing train for the Newspaper.

Keeping up with this blog.

Taking a Screenwriting class.

Working on a TV series with my friend Erik.

Stay tuned for previews of it.

Ideas welcomed. 

Looking for inspiration for characters.

Discover Retreat

Immersion Trip

Leading my Search Small group

Diving deeper into social justice with CLC

Formation Team will be complete with members from abroad.

Rugby Games.

Family dinners.

Hopefully Katy Perry releases tour dates.

Love Jones Performance with Joe Sar

Getting that license?

Spiritual Direction

Senior year bucket list...

Wow. This is my life. Life is beautiful.

<3

An Outpouring of love on 12/12...

Of course the sun would shine bright today. I've been complaining about that 45 degree weather, but this morning as I opened the door to greet my dad, the sun was warm and the sky a beautiful blue. As my roommate came to the door to say goodbye to me, she looked outside and said, "What a beautiful day today in honor of your grandma!" She had just read my thoughts. Today is my grandma's day!

This day will forever bring the pain of having lost my grandma, but mostly be a day to celebrate the wonderful woman she was to everyone she knew. So many people loved her. I always remember going to Mexico and everyone in the town was happy to see her. She knew everyone!!! They knew her for the heart of gold she had, always giving during the Christmas season, giving clothes and toys to the children of poor families. I've often had conversations with my mom about how my grandma used to do this and my mom tells me more stories of how my grandma had been like this since my mom was a little girl. She used to even feed a lot of these kids. My grandma was selfless and so giving. So full of love. It's been hard not having her, but so much has happened this year that has reminded me of her continual presence in my life.

So much that lets me know she is watching over me and protecting me. Even from a distance she shows me her love in little and big ways. Last night for example, a dear friend delivered a manila envelope to me with instructions not to open it until I received a text confirmation from them letting me know to open it. Having woken up bright and early and having had a day filled with deep conversations with different special friends, I decided to call it a night before midnight, which was when I received the text to go ahead and open the envelope. I think it was good I woke up to it instead for what was inside was a beautiful gift of love and support that would help me get out of bed in order embrace the day ahead in honor of my grandma.

In the manila envelope was an outpouring of love for me on this day, 12/12. Friends knew what this day meant for me and they wanted to make sure I knew I had their love and support. My friends never met my grandma yet through the stories I have shared about her, they were able to capture her so well in the notes they wrote for me. They could tell how important she was to me. They know how important it was for me to keep her memory alive and their notes were a testimony to that. It's breathtaking hearing things like "She is still here with us, She reminds me of you, She is proud of you, She will never be forgotten, Although I never met your grandma, I feel like I do, through you."

Thank you to all of the friends who were part of the outpouring of love- whether it was through the notes in the manila folder or texts I have received throughout the day, or conversations I have had with you in the past that helped make me feel loved and helped keep my grandma's memory alive. I have had a beautiful day with my family- mass in her honor- both in Napa and in the Santa Clara Community- bringing flowers to her grave, saying a rosary there for her, witnessing my mom take lead in a beautiful prayer (she never does this in front of others), placing an orchid on her altar that a friend gave me in her honor, dinner with one of her favorite Mexican soups "menudo," and conversations of memories we all have of her! Soon we will be singing her "Las Mañanitas" to celebrate her and La Virgencita.

When it rains, sometimes it pours, but thank God you've got friends holding up umbrellas, who are also ready and willing to splash in puddles with you. Wait for the sun. There's a rainbow right after. I am truly blessed!

Forever in my heart, el tesoro de mi corazon (treasure of my heart), may she rest in peace in Heaven with Jesus and Our Lady of Guadalupe!

12/12 will continue to be a special day!

Feliz Santo a todas las Lupes!

<3

#classicjoe

Today, I would like to tell you about my good friend, Joe Sarmiento. My life without Joe would mean less LAUGHTER, less JOY, and less LOVE. I met Joe in passing my freshman year. He says he doesn't remember, but I will never forget. I was a shy freshman making my way up the stairs of O'Connor for my CTW class. Joe seemed to be in a hurry, but he took the time to hold the door open for me. What he said to me is such classic Joe, and I mean this is the most loving way. "I wish I knew how to say more than just gracias to you." He basically thanked me for him holding the door open for me. He was doing something nice for me and yet he still thanked me. Classic Joe.

I thought it was interesting that he knew I could speak Spanish. Most people can't tell unless I tell them or go figure, start speaking it. Back then I took that gesture as a simple act of kindness. A very much needed act of kindness since I was struggling with adjusting to Santa Clara. Him going out of his way to do something so simple reminded me of the goodness in the world. I went to class with a smile and optimism that perhaps that day would be a good one. Little did I know this would be one of many moments where Joe's simple acts of kindness would constantly remind me of the goodness in the world.

Looking back at this moment, I see more depth into how Joe knew I could speak Spanish. He has this ability to see you for who you really are- a quality I very much admire about him. From this stems his gift of listening. Really hearing you out and being there for you. He is always willing to take time out of his day to get coffee or lunch. He is even willing to get up a little bit earlier before your morning work out just to get to spend some time with you. He is a very thoughtful friend too. He knows how much I love penguins so on my 22nd birthday this year, he borrowed a penguin costume and walked into Campus Ministry singing, "Feeling 22." If the littlest thing reminds him of you, like a road sign or advertisement, he will text you or post on your wall: "Random Joe post of the day" and let you know how he thought of you in that moment. Again classic Joe.

Joe is also a very supportive friend. He ran up to me after the skit the Twerking Platypi put on and thanked me for taking on the role of Miley Cyrus. He did this even though all of the judges decided to vote me out and the director "fired' me. Now he calls me Maira Cyrus. Classic Joe. He is supportive in serious situations too though. He constantly checked in with me as I prepared to share my story with others. He has been there for me through the loss of my grandma and is always affirming me for keeping up with my blog and my role in CLC. It's the little things he does that make such a difference in my life.

I am so incredibly blessed to be able to call Joe Sarmiento one of my friends. The world really needs more of him. Although, no one could ever replicate his awesomeness because he is a classic Joe. 

Thank you Joe, for being you. For always going out of your way to show your friends how much you love them. For accepting me for who I am. For bringing laughter and joy into my life. You always take the time to show your appreciation for others and myself so this post is dedicated to you my friend!!! You are loved and we missed you at Mass yesterday!!

#theresnofriendlikejoe #twerking #mairacyrus #justforyou #sharethelove #youareawesome #hashtagsfordays #goodluckwithfinals

Also, returning the shout out: check out his blog for some good insights! http://thebrainofjoe.blogspot.com/

Celebrating in Heaven...

I didn't expect the tears to come in that moment. I have gone to celebrations for Our Lady of Guadalupe since I could walk. And I had seen this particular reenactment of her apparitions to Juan Diego two years before so I knew what to expect. Except I didn't. This was the first time in my life when my grandma won't be here during these celebrations. Now she is in Heaven with Our Lady. She is up there celebrating and rejoicing for La Virgencita who she loved very much. These songs we sang and dances we saw in years past mean so much more now that I have an angel in Heaven.

On December 10, 2012, my grandma was released from the hospital. She came back to my house, where her recovery continued. As people came to visit her, she would ask how many days until the feast of Our Lady. Two more days we would tell her. She would talk about a beautiful feast in Heaven, but we all thought she was talking about the feast of Las Mañanitas that was soon approaching on the 12th. The following night, she was rushed back to the hospital. It was the eve of the feast of Our Lady. Four hours until midnight...

Would she go on this day? When the clock strikes 12? Or would she recover? Midnight happened and she was still with us. Everyone held their breath. We all decided to sing her Las Mañanitas for it was "el dia de su santo," meaning "the day of her saint". In Mexico, there is a tradition that if you are named after a saint, you are celebrated and honored on their day of remembrance. My grandma's name was Guadalupe, just like Our Lady. So you can just imagine how much more special this day was for her and the family. It was a few minutes before noon when we sang. A few minutes after we were done, the clock read 12:12 and the monitor read question mark. The sun came out from the gray clouds...my grandma was now celebrating in Heaven for the feast of Our Lady just like she had talked about a few days before.

Today sitting in the mission as I heard one of the Guadalupana songs, I was taken back to these moments last December, which brought me to tears. Tears of missing her. Tears of joy. Tears of love and gratitude. Tears of hope and peace. It was such a powerful experience. And that's when it hit me...My grandma did not leave on an ordinary day. I knew that when she first passed away, but now as her one year of being gone is coming up, it is more evident. Every year, God willing, I will attend celebrations for Our Lady of Guadalupe and I will imagine my grandma in Heaven having her own celebrations. My grandma's fear was that she would be forgotten. My grandma was a big devout to Our Lady. So Our Lady, being our mother, full of love and compassion, interceded so that my grandma's pain could come to a rest and enter Heaven with a big feast. She made she sure my grandma would not be forgotten and always be celebrated. These celebrations once helped me feel blessed for the culture I come from, and now they will forever remind me of how blessed I am to be the granddaughter of such a beautiful soul.

Que Viva mi Abuelita y La Virgen Maria!

Do It...

 

Take time to show those you love just how much it is that you do.

 

Distance should not be a barrier.

It doesn't take much.

It just takes intention and action.

It takes living in the present.

Send a card. There are so many good ones out there.

Write a letter. Send flowers. Give chocolate.

Plan to get lunch. Stay in and catch up. Go for a car ride. Take a walk. Study together.

 

There are so many ways to show those you love just how much it is that you do.

 

Time should not be a reason.

It doesn't take much.

It just takes intention and action.

It takes reminding yourself of the blessings you have everyday.

Send a text. I love you. I miss you. Thinking about you.

There is so much power in sending and receving one of those messages.

You never know how much someone needs a pick me up.

And it's always just nice to hear from loved ones.

 

Telling someone you love them and showing them how much you do shouldn't be so difficult.

We should do it more often. You could never too much.

Yet, with the daily routine, it's hard to sometimes take even thirty seconds to send out that text.

But if you had the time to stumble upon my post, then my friend you have time to get out that phone and share the love.

 

Say hello. Ask them how their day is going. Or hope they have a great Thursday, it's almost Friday! Make plans. Reminisce.

 

Show those you love just how much is is that you do.

 

<3

 

Dedicating this post to all those who have lost a loved one recently. In my thoughts and prayers. In solidarity with you through those losses.



Week 10...

It's that time of year again. Week 10. The only thing worse than this week is the weather that comes with it. Civilians from Washington would call me crazy because they love the cold weather, but being from California, anything less than 70 degrees is unacceptable. And quite honestly, anything less than 80 for me is pushing it. The cold weather makes me want to drink hot chocolate all day, be at home in comfy clothes, eat soup, watch movies and read for fun. And now that my house has decided to turn the heater on, there is not much motivation for me to be outside of this lovely home.

As a senior, my motivation for classes was already low this quarter (senioritis) and that was with the weather being sunny almost until December 1st. Now you can imagine what the struggle will be for me this week if the sun decides to hide until Spring. While I am lucky enough not to have finals this quarter, there is still a lot I have to get done this week. I have two "midterms" at the end of the week. I have a problem set due for my Political Economics class. I have to go to work. I have meetings. And I have to start looking ahead to the future. Oh how I have avoided thinking about the future. Maybe week 10 is a good excuse to postpone thinking about it a little bit longer. Can I just take a nap? Sleep sounds pretty nice. It's necessary for week 10. It certainly was three years ago. 

Thanks to my great friend Joe Sarmiento, who has actively been bringing back my old Facebook statuses, some of which people would call gems, I was able to reflect back on my first experience of week 10 as a college student. I definitely was not excited to come back after the nice week at home for Thanksgiving. It is such a tease to us all. The school should really think about starting the school year earlier so that winter break can be longer and more people can be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

I will say though that in comparison to week tens in the past, coming back from break this year was not as stressful. When friends asked how my break was, I told them it was really good, but I was happy to be back too. Such an unexpected answer considering it's dead week. I was feeling very optimistic. Pumped. Peaceful. Joyful. But oh how the weather can change that quickly. Now that the weather has
decided it's going to be 45 degrees, I have to dig deeper and say, "Week 10, bring it."

Good luck to everyone who is chilling at "rock-bottom" this week (shout out to my twerking platypi, I mean periwinkle platypi). We are almost there!!!

Thankful...

 

Happy "Twerky" Day!!! Is this a real thing? Don't know how I feel about it, but can't say it didn't make me laugh at little bit. Laughter is something I am especially thankful for this year. It's been a year full of many firsts with out a very special person, but through it all I have been blessed with many wonderful graces to keep me going,  laughter being one that has made me feel a little bit lighter and so so free.

For this laughter I have MANY people to thank. I especially have to thank the big man upstairs because He is the One who made sure to surround me with amazing people. He knew I would need a roommate to help me with the long nights, to bake me banana bread and other goodies, to workout, watch movies with, and of course laugh. He knew I would need housemates that would happily wait for me with open arms every time I come home. Laugh attacks ALL day. He knew I would need a wonderful crew to help me open up and share my story with others. A Spiritual Director who would love me and challenge me to be the best version of myself (pretty sure that didn't mean "twerking" at one point. Ooops, had to do it for the Periwinkle Platypi). He knew I would need mentors with different perspectives to help me grow and be free. Laughter very much present. He continued to surround me with the love and laughter of friends from home. Those I met in high school, others in middle school, and even those from Kindergarten. He surrounded me with friends I met through CLC and other involvements during my time at SCU. And of course, 22 years ago He made sure to surround me with an amazing, strong, and loving family. My three very different, hilarious and protective brothers, my beautiful and brave sister, my wonderful father, and mother with a heart of gold. Lots of cousins too. Aunts and uncles. And my three grandparents as well.

I am so thankful for all of the people in my life who have brought laughter into my life. Life has it's ups and it's down. Sometimes things are really high and happy and other times things are really low and sad, but laughter is welcome in all circumstances. It might seem odd to have laughter during tough times, but without it, things would be so much harder to handle. Laughter is good for the soul and I am so thankful I have been nourished with it through out this year. Thank you family and friends for all of your love and support. For making me laugh and smile. Thank you for allowing me to share with you the life of my wonderful grandma through out my posts and conversations we might have had this year. Her biggest fear was that she would be forgotten. I want to make sure that never happens because even though she isn't here with me today, she will forever be one of my greatest blessings. All the way from Heaven, she too, continues to bring me laughter and joy. I am so incredibly blessed!!!

May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with lots of laughter and love. <3

  

<3

Side of Ranch please.....

Going out to restaurants is so different for me now that I have actually worked at one myself. I never realized how big of a deal a side of ranch can be when you're the one who has to get it. I honestly could write a whole book on "side of ranch" stories from my three month work experience in the industry.

So the restaurant is divided into sections. The hostess is responsible for rotating different table tops amongst all of the servers. It is also the hostess' responsibility to let the server know when a new table has been seated. Once waters have been taken to the table by the busser, it's up to the server to make sure they have a great experience! I usually liked starting off by asking if I could get them anything to drink besides water. It was rare when being okay with "just water" would happen. This was so different than I imagined since most of the times I had gone out with friends we would all just stick with water. (Secretly that was because no one wanted to pay 2 dollars more and no one wanted to be the one who broke the "just water" streak. Typical.)

Anyway, after getting drinks for the table, I would come back and take the rest of the order. Calamari to start. Arugula salad before the pizza. "Can you get us a side of ranch, please?" "Order's up!" "Can we get more ranch? We love ranch!" "Order's up! Let's go!" I come back to give the table their check...ALL OF THE RANCH IS STILL ON THE TABLE. Great, I'm glad I just burnt my hand on the hot pizza pan just so I could make sure I got them all of the ranch they loved to NOT eat! The things I would do to make sure the customers were happy. I know, that's essentially what I got paid to do and I honestly enjoyed working as a server, but hey I'm human too and getting all of that ranch for them took time away from me getting drinks for another table. Two seconds is a lot of time in the restaurant business!

Not all of the ranch stories were bad though. (I won't get into the time ranch was spilled all over my apron and I had to take orders from 5 tables by memory because I had no where to put my notepad). There was a couple who would come in almost every week with their two little girls. The first two times I served them, they politely asked for a side of ranch.  Eventually, I remembered they liked a side of ranch so I would ask if they would like some before they could ask for it. Remembering something as simple as a side of ranch in this case meant a lot to the customers and it made me happy to be able to go out of my way to make this happen for them. And it was even better when they actually ate it all!!

I myself am a big ranch lover. Ranch is so good with salad, chicken strips, carrots, and pizza! Mozzarella sticks. Bread sticks. It's so good!! But I definitely think twice about asking for a side of ranch now. If I do ask for it though, I am mindful of being patient if they don't get it to me right away. It's not as easy as it looks! Those servers are dealing with more than just orders of a side of ranch!!!


***Would like to dedicate this post to one of my best friends who loves to NOT eat ranch. I don't understand why you don't like it, but at least you will make servers' lives a little easier by not ordering it. You're missing out though :) Also to all of those servers out there dealing with orders of sides of ranch and more!! Y'll deserve a tip ;)

Here's to the Birthday Boy...

Life is full of surprises. Sometimes they are good, and sometimes they can be bad too. Either way, we are never alone. People are put in our lives to share both with them. I have been given lots of great people in my life for the good times and the bad. Today, I would like to acknowledge one of the most important and genuine guys in my life who has been there through it all. He has been my rock and safe haven ever since he came into my life 21 years ago. I could not be more proud of the wonderful man he has become. Sure, he was a little dramatic as a child, throwing tantrums in the store when he wanted to get a toy, but even then there was something special about him. It brings me so much joy when I tell others about him. I am so incredibly blessed to have a brother like him. It is no wonder why my grandma would be filled with so much joy when he walked into the hospital room a year ago today. Even though she was in a lot of pain, she remembered it was his birthday and gave our mom a hard time for not having anything to celebrate it. She always wanted the best for him.

That day we played in the Justin Siena Alumni soccer game. After we finished the game, we got the news that our grandma had been taken back to the hospital. That's something he will be reminded of today and always, but with his heart of gold he will not see it as a sad thing. Instead he will recognize it as a way of remembering and celebrating the wonderful woman who taught him the meaning of unconditional love. He was the sparkle in her eyes during those tough times last November. And he's the sparkle in the eyes of many people, especially now as we are left with only the memories.

Eric, may the Lord bring you all of the happiness and love that you deserve. May you know that you are loved by many. May you feel our grandma's love all the way from Heaven. You know she has connections with the big man upstairs and is telling Him to make your day special today! May you know how proud she is to have a grandson like you. May you know how proud I am for having a brother like you. Thank you for being you. You bring out the real side of me. Those car rides from school or anywhere are some that I hold close in my heart. Driving to see our grandma. Heavy rains and wind. I'll never forget how strong you were behind the wheel that night. I love you beyond words can explain little brother! Wish you the best today and always! <3

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY!!!

Insanity of 11 months....

I worked out today for the first time in what seems to be forever. Going to the gym is great, but I have found that I really enjoy the "Insanity" workout with Shawn T. I can do it from the comfort of my own home, although let me tell you, there's nothing comfortable about the workout itself. It's insane. Go figure!

After the Pure Cardio workout, I laid on my back on the hard wood floor of my living room. It was a struggle to catch my breath. I should really stop going on those Taco Bell runs. Anyway, I eventually was able to breathe normally and as I exhaled a deep breath out, I finally let myself feel the emotions that come with what today is - the 12th. The day that reminds me of her departure. Unlike other 12th's of past months though, this is the first month that actually takes me back to the moments when my grandma first became sick.

This time last year, she was waiting for me to come home. It was this month when we celebrated her last birthday. I remember being home for my Thanksgiving break and working out to Insanity. My roommate and I had been really good about working out that whole quarter so I couldn't slack off. I introduced my mom and sister to the work out. My grandma thought we were crazy. She could hear us from the living room as we struggled to catch our breath, fought over water, complained, and laughed. She could hear my sister and I enjoying watching our mom trying to do high jumps. Our 50 year old momma was showing us up! Grandma couldn't believe it and gave my mom a hard time about it. She liked being playful with my mom and my mom enjoyed it.

As I finished my work out today, I remembered that moment with my three girls. I miss the four of us having conversations and being with each other. I can't believe it's almost been a year since she left. I miss her more and more every day, but the memories help me carry on. There is so much that reminds me of her. So much that shows me God's grace at work. Even when I work out. Insanity pushes me to dig deeper to get fit, but these past 11 months have pushed me to dig deeper into what God has revealed through everything that has happened since she left.

You continue to surprise me, abuelita. Te quiero <3

You Truck Us....

Happy Halloween! This has been one of my favorite holidays from a very young age. Not only because of the candy and being able to dress up, but because it was a time when all of my cousins gathered at my grandma's house and we would go out together. Some of my favorite memories with them come from those nights when together we would face the Haunted House of Browns Valley. I'll never forget the time my cousins and I gained the courage to go up the stairs of a house that was giving out King Size Chocolate bars. We had just survived the Haunted House three houses before so we were somewhat jumpy, but we could not pass up the treats waiting for us at the top of the stairs so off the little brave souls we went..."BRRRRRROOOOOM ROOOOOOM BRRRROOOOM," came the sound of the chain saw behind us. I can't speak for my cousins, but I felt like everything around me was moving in slow motion. My heart felt like it was going to pound itself out of me and safety felt so far away. I have never been more terrified! I was so happy when I finally made it to the ground. I ran to my aunt who after asking if I was okay, couldn't help but laugh for the longest time. I was not amused, that masked man came out of no where and I do not enjoy being scared! So why do I like Halloween again?

There's just something exciting about getting together with people you care about and dressing up in costumes. Even when I got older, my family continued to be into Halloween. We used to have a costume party and of course there was a contest for the best one. What made it fun was that everyone got into character of their costume! There's a certain happiness in being silly and ridiculous," and I would say Halloween gives that to me every year. Even being away at college, I look forward to dressing up with friends and seeing what creative ideas we all come up with every time.

Plus it's the one time a year girls can eat all of the candy they want and other girls can't say anything about it. ;p "You go, glen coco!."

Have a safe and fun Halloween friends!!

Here's a funny/cute must see Halloween Video:
http://youtu.be/uMuorX2mgrw

Don't for a second think I have forgotten...

Don't for a second think I have forgotten.

No, I know what today is...

It's just that I don't need it to be the 12th for me to remember her.

To remember those days in December ten months ago.

Everyday is a struggle whether it's the 12th or not.

You see me smile, laugh and play.

You see me clean, work, and study.

But you don't see me when I pray.

Only God knows the inner cries of my heart.

The struggle of learning to live in a world without her. 

Don't for a second think I have forgotten.

No, I know what today is...

It's just that I miss her and it's really hard to explain.

Words can't capture even a centimeter of what it feels like to miss her more and more every day.

But her biggest fear was that she'd eventually be forgotten.

So as long as I can, I'll continue to write.

I'll continue to share.

You see me smile, laugh, and play.

You see me clean, work, and study.

But you don't see, those are things she taught me.

Her memory motivates me every day.

She's gone, but really, she's not.

So don't for a second think I have forgotten.

I never will.

<3

Senioritis: It never completely goes away...

Senioritis. I was never officially diagnosed with it in high school, but I had almost all of the symptoms: lack of motivation to study, repeated absences (pretty sure spring semester I missed every Monday six weeks in a row), over-excessive wearing of sweatshirts and ugg boots with a ponytail. I guess I didn't get Regina George's memo back then about only wearing sweatpants on Fridays and my hair up once a week. It probably helped that most of my friends were on the same boat as me, so I was still allowed to sit with them at lunch.

As I look back though, it probably wasn't one of my best times as a student. I don't remember a time when I didn't have an excuse for not having my Physics homework completely done or in on time. More importantly, how I received the academic award for that subject. It was probably the teacher's way of making me feel better for having survived his class taken my "condition." Although, I did enjoy that class... when I wasn't absent. I mean who doesn't like to learn about Kinetic energy?

Graduation was certainly the best antibiotic for this disease. Since June 2010, the nerd student in me was healthy again. The quarter system didn't scare me at SCU. In fact, it fit my personality. Fast paced and efficient. If a paper was due week 5, I was in the professor's office hours week 2 asking for more details and feedback on my outline. By week 3 I had a draft, and week 4 I was simply waiting for the due date to roll around for me to print the paper and turn it in. 

But oh how things have changed once again. I didn't think it would be possible to have it more than once. I thought it was like chicken pox- you get it once and you're safe. How naive I was my friends! It's week 3 and I think I have caught it again...

Thankfully the diagnosis was made early this time around. There are some steps I can take to help it from spreading. Working out is highly recommended. Less T-Bell/Panda Express runs with my housemates wouldn't hurt either. That will take care of the laziness and make it easier to resist naps during the day, giving me more energy and time to do homework. Spending more time in the library would help as well. Deleting Facebook was recommended too, but they thought as long as I did the first two I should be on my way to a speedy recovery.

So this post is for all of those Seniors out there, both in high school and college. The struggle is real, but you're not alone!


Citations: Picture taken from Google images

L(ego) and Write...

Ego. I never thought of myself as having one, until my writing professor explained "writer's block" to my English 74 class. "Writer's block is created because of our ego," he said. As writers, we doubt our ability to capture the reader's attention. We form in our minds the reader's opinion before they get a chance to make their own. We are too afraid to begin writing because our ego tricks us into thinking what we start to create is not good enough.

Writing is my escape. Yet, lately it has been difficult for me to write. Since December I have been writing on the 12th of every month, but back in August I had the hardest time coming up with a post. I wrote again in September, but I still felt like I had lost my touch with writing. I used the concept of "writer's block" as my scapegoat. To justify my inability to come up with a captivating post.

"Maybe I don't have what it takes to be a writer," I thought.

"EGO," I heard him say in class.

I looked around the classroom. How does he know? Do I really have an ego? Wow, I have an ego and it doesn't only interfere with my writing. It interferes with other aspects of my life too. I'm always striving for perfection. Everything I do has to be done well and it has to be done right. What's wrong with that? Nothing. Everything. I get so caught up in wanting to be the best student, the best friend, the best writer, that I forget to be free.

Writing is my escape. Yet, lately it has been my prision. I've kept my thoughts, ideas, stories, poems, metaphors, and quotes to myself. Thinking none were original. Thinking none were exciting. Thinking none were meaningful. I'm always thinking about the reader (others). Always trying to protect their feelings. I want to give them what they want. Laughter. Joy. Pain. Tears. Smiles. Terror. Thrill. After all aren't the readers the reason I'm writing? I'm so consumed by the reader's opinion and I don't even have any words written in front of me. This is not working.

I don't like this ego thing...

So this post is to letting go of my ego. To getting rid of writer's block and remembering the reason I started this blog in the first place. To let people in my mind and become the writer I have always wanted to become. This is the beginning to a new start for my blog.

Citations: Image taken from google.

I'm just playing in the sand...

Hi friends! It's been a while since the last time I posted on here. Seems like it was just the beginning of summer and now I'm a day away from heading back to Santa Clara for my Senior year. It's unreal how quickly time flies. I can still remember running back to the parking lot my freshmen year to catch my parents before they left so I could go back with them. I asked my dad to tell me it was okay to come back home instead of doing this college thing. He told me I could come home, but he knew I'd regret it. If I would have came home that day, I definitely would have regretted it.

I have so much to look forward to this year. I'm going to be living off campus finally! I'll be sharing a room with one of my best friends. I wouldn't have been able to survive the past three years without her, especially this last one. I'll be living with four other amazing girls too (who just snap chatted me a picture of them finished setting up my bed)! I'll have the honor of being a leader on Search. I'll get to lead one more CLC formation retreat. I have lots of fun classes lined up for me this year- non-fiction writing, organizational management, environmental economics, tap and screenwriting. I'll be HDR in Nobili with an awesome staff. And this is only what I can think of for fall quarter. I feel so blessed for the the generosity of the One who has always been there for me. Leaving footprints in the sand and constantly carrying me.

Footprints...

There's been lots of those in my life, especially in the past 9 months. He carries me as I try to understand why she had to go so soon. As I struggle to figure out the mixed signals my mind sends to my heart giving it false hopes of her return. As I think about how she won't be there when I graduate and get my diploma. That was something we always talked about since I started school. She couldn't wait until I graduated. She didn't like being apart. We were only two hours away. Now the distance is a lot harder to bear. I never imagined her not being there...

But He carries me. He carries me until I'm ready to be set down. Sometimes I ask Him politely to set me down. And He does. He carries me far enough and lets me enjoy the sand too. I know it won't be long until I'll be building sandcastles with her and all my loved one in paradise. But until then, there's beaches on earth too and I can't wait to play in the sand this year. Always remembering the woman who makes me want to be better every day. I love you grandma.

<3

Also Happy 23rd Birthday to Warren Wesley Warner III!!
Love and miss you buddy.

Letter to Heaven...

Maria Guadalupe Tijero

79 Golden Pearl Gate

St. Peter, HV 90212

7.12.13.

Dear Grandma,

It's been seven months since you went away. Every month since you've been gone I have been posting about you on my blog. I secretly hope that where ever you are, you'll read them, know how much I miss you and you'll come back. Nothing is the same without you. It's hard walking into grandpa's room. There are pictures of you everywhere. I'm grateful I am blessed with the opportunity to have conversations with him, but there are so many things I want to talk to you about too. So many things I am confused about that I'm sure only you know the answers to, like how you did it?

You lost your father at the age of two. You watched your mom go too. Not to mention the five children you had to say goodbye to as well. You lost many close people to you in your life time. Your strength to carry on mesmerizes me. I am the granddaughter of such a beautiful soul. I hope your strength is hereditary because losing you has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I don't know if I can handle saying goodbye to more than one loved one. I don't want to be, but I am scared. You left before many things I planned for us. I've planned a lot of things with other people too. I can't help but think how those plans might not happen either because life has no guarantees except for death. I don't want to think this way.

I want to be free and happy. And you know, I am, but there's just something missing. You. You'll always be the missing piece to the happiness I have always dreamed about. The other day I was going on a walk around campus. The sun was bright and hot. I felt a slight breeze and in that moment I was overwhelmed with gratitude for everything I have been blessed with lately. If you were here, I'd say my life was pretty great. I don't think there is such a thing as perfection, but if there was and you were here, it would be the closest to it I have ever seen my life lay out. The big man upstairs, whom I'm sure you're with, has been nothing but wonderful to me. I'm a year away from graduation. Remember when I didn't think I would make it through freshman year? My license test is coming up too. I think I'm ready because my mom doesn't freak out as much when I drive anymore. Only took five years! I'm working at a restaurant as well. I was really nervous about it because I didn't know how to open wine bottles, but the other day I had to open five! I also have a journalism internship. I think I finally know what I want to do after graduation. Oh, and guess who had puppies?! Channel. Mama is not happy! Hopefully we can find some good homes for them. One of them looks like the puppy you had when you were about my age. There's so much I want to tell you about- many blessings and moments of grace.

And that's why I know there's more to you being gone than the emptiness I feel when I dwell on it all. People don't just leave this world and that's it. No. There's more, and I'm slowly figuring it out. I know you have something to do with the peace and freedom I am experiencing in my life. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for bringing me closer to the ultimate gift I've always strived to attain.

I hope you are enjoying your family and friends in Heaven. 

La quiero, Abuelita.

    <3 Su Flaca

P.S. If Heaven had a mailing system, I'd write you every day. I miss you.