To a year of challenges, growth, and lots to be thankful for...

 It doesn't have to be the 12th of every month for me to remember her. In fact, there is not a day she doesn't cross my mind. Although, to be honest when I'm away at school it's all much easier. Since I only saw her on the weekends during the school year, her being gone forever didn't seem so real. It just felt like temporary time away from each other. I didn't have to deal with the new reality as quick as my mom or grandpa since they saw her everyday. I could turn it on and off as I pleased because I was removed from it. There were many mornings where I woke up feeling optimistic because everything at Santa Clara was going well. I had wonderful roommates, CLC was expanding, being a DR in San Flip was fun, I was growing in faith, I had deepened friendships and made many new ones too, classes were tough, but I was learning a lot. There was so much for me to be thankful my junior year. Everything at Santa Clara was going well, but Napa...that was a different story, but it was fine because I'd deal with it when I got there.

Last summer, I was torn with coming home not because I didn't miss it, but because
I was going to miss the new friends I had made. After two long years of trying to find a reason to call Santa Clara my home away from home, I had finally found awesome people and it was time to say goodbye. This year, I was torn with summer because I was going to miss friends too, but mostly because I would finally have to deal with the fact that my grandma won't be on the couch near the door when I walk through the kitchen. She won't ask me how long I'll be home for this time. I won't get to see her smile when I tell her I'm home for almost three months. I won't get to spend those three months with her. And the months after that. People say it gets better with time, and sure time helps, but the more time that passes the more I miss her. It feels like a lifetime ago since I last had a conversation with her. And it just feels unreal. There are moments when I find myself walking downstairs and genuinely thinking she'll be on that couch. Today was one of those days. And yet it's crazy how it all works. There's a calm that soon over takes me, giving me peace. She knows what I need. That has to be coming from her. Those have to be moments of grace.

And so I have to say that this year I have gotten better about being aware of moments where God's grace is at work. That awareness has made all the difference in how I look at life. Sure, not everything is perfect, but somehow paying attention to moments of grace helps give me peace. It helps give me security. Freedom. Confidence. Hope that God is at work and is by my side. He has revealed so much to me through the challenges I have faced this year and I couldn't be more grateful.

So this post is to my junior year, to a year of challenges, growth, and lots to be thankful for. It will definitely be a year to remember for it has transformed the way I look at myself as well as my perspective on life and I am so excited for what my Senior year will bring. Thank you to everyone who helped make my junior year what it was, so real and full of life. Many reasons to smile.

"Let Go and Let God."

<3

                                                         

              

      

                                                                                                                   

           

         

Remembering my Grandma and MK<3

  

Six months: It hurts to think about...

Six months.

That's how long it has been since she left. 

That's how long I have been waiting for her to come back.

But she's not going to, is she?

I'm not going to see her when I come home for summer, am I?

Soon it will be a year, two, five, ten, twenty-five since she left.

It hurts to think about.

All I've known is 21 years with her.

I don't know how to do 21 without her.

I've done half of a year and I've just about had it.

It hurts to think about.

Can someone please just tell me I've been dreaming?

That this whole time she's been on a trip to her favorite place in Mexico.

That she's actually sitting on the couch in my house right now 

waiting for me to come home from school.

That she never actually left.

It hurts to think about.

But that's unrealistic, right?

That day in December actually happened. 12.12.12.

I was in the room when the monitor read question mark, wasn't I?

It hurts to think about.

She's really gone, isn't she?

No.

I refuse to believe she is completely gone. 

Maybe she is in the physical world,

But in my heart she always rests.
It's been hard with out her, but

I know she will give me the strength

To carry on until we meet again.

She's can't be too far, right?

Right?

"Trust in the Lord for He is good.

You're not alone. 

We'll be reunited soon,

But until then keep your head up, flaca.

Desde donde estoy te cuidare."

<3

I love you grandma.

Nunca sera lo mismo sin ti.

The 8th Marked for Great Men: Remembering Warren Warner and Michael Kelly...

We live in a world where we often forget one of life's realest truths, that death is inevitable. It makes no exceptions to gender, race, economic status, and definitely not age. One day our time will come, but somehow we forget that. We often leave people thinking we will see them tomorrow, next week or at the next family reunion in 4 months. We don't stop to think how it could be our last conversation or encounter with them. I know that's not what I thought the last time I saw my now two heroes in Heaven, Warren Wesley Warner III and Michael Edward Kelly. Both of these individuals have similar stories. Both were great men who left many loved ones too soon. They left us with many questions. They left behind a legacy.

After being diagnosed with Meningitis, Warren went into a coma. He was in a coma for 19 days. We spent those days praying to be able to see his breath taking blue eyes once again, but on April 8, 2010, my best friend called me to tell me her older brother would not make it. I was so confused. I did not understand how this could happen when so much prayer was said day and night. What was the reason for all of this?

One month ago on May 8th, I received similar news to the ones I had three years earlier. After being in a coma for almost a week, my friend Michael would not make it either. I remember being in the room with him the day before. It was the first time since knowing him that I did not have a smile on my face when being around him. He was always making everyone smile. So many people were praying for him. We thought he would make it through, but again Heaven got another angel.

The following day I had an Econ midterm. I needed to study, but all I wanted to do was spend time with people I loved. And that's all I wanted to do from then on. I found myself being more present and authentic in conversations I had with people and accepting more invitations to hangout and have meals with friends. I put in more of an effort to call, text or snap chat (yes, I'm one of those) friends more often to tell them I loved them and to stay connected. I found myself reaching out to more people and to be more like Mike. It was the same thing when Warren passed away.

And that's when it hit me. I don't know what the reason is for Warren and Michael dying young, but I do know their impact is one of a kind. The legacy they have left behind is powerful and it is beautiful. In a world where death is guaranteed and where many die alone and unfulfilled, these men gave us the gift of perspective. The gift of a second chance to look around and count your blessings. The gift of appreciating the present moment. The gift of courage to be yourself. The gift of desiring to bring happiness where ever you go because that is what they did. These individuals were loved by so many people because of who they were. These men were warriors of God.

It's sad it often takes these kind of tragedies to remind us of the things that matter, but we have to hold on to the inspiration of these two men. We have to in order for us to keep some sanity in this reality without them. These men will never be forgotten. Ever since Warren died, my best friend and I along with countless others have kept his memory alive. The 8th is always a day of remembrance. And it will be for the both of them. Both were organ donors. Scholarships have been made in their honor. The Kelly Classic happened a week ago in honor of Michael. I got to play the game we both love in his name. They may be physically gone, but their spirit lives on. This kind of impact will continue to change lives and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to have known them. They have touched my life and I will always strive to keep their memory alive. Each is different in their own way, but similar in what their memory will do for many people. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

RIP WWWIII and MK

Love you both so much.

Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person every day.

<3