Two weeks. Too long!

After two weeks of playing house and mom, I'm so glad I get to have my momma back home! She recently went on a trip to the Holy Land and Rome with 74 others from the St. John's Catholic Parish. Her having the opportunity to visit the historical places of Our Lord was a dream come true for my mom and I am so thankful she was able to make this trip of a life time!

Even though I was a little more used to not seeing my mom weeks at a time while I was away at school, it was still hard not having her around those weeks. I think it was also hard because at least before, even if I didn't see her, I could to talk to her on the phone. We talked twice for like 5 minutes each time in the whole two weeks she was gone. It definitely made it feel longer than two weeks.

My mom being gone opened up a few things for me. The first, which is sad, was thinking how life would be without her. I think everyone in my house couldn't help but think about that. How different our lives would be...how empty. Less laughter. Less joy. Less compassion. Less love.

Taking on some of her responsibilities while she was gone also made me realize how much more awesome my mom is! After the first morning of my brother not liking the breakfast I made him because the eggs didn't have enough salt, I gave up waking up early to make a breakfast. I simply made sure there was cereal and milk. My mom wakes up every morning to make breakfast for everyone even when the morning before someone or all of us were picky about what she made.

And then it hit me. I consider my mom my best friend and to be really close to her. I am proud of the relationship we have developed over the years, but in these two weeks I realized how sometimes that can become an illusion in my mind because I'm not often in action showing her the love she deserves. This was a powerful realization and inspired me to be committed to show her how much she means to me every day. I am a lucky girl to have a mom like her. So this post is dedicated to her because she deserves to be acknowledged!

The house feels so much more like home now...just missing Eric and grandma. <3

Red, Yellow, Greentegrity!

Hello family and friends. I know it has been a while since my last post. Between taking my last set of finals, graduating, moving back home, and working full time I found it difficult to find time for writing. Adjusting from my life in college of being independent and always on the go to moving back home and being in one place 8 hours five days a week took some time. When I was at Santa Clara I was used to being busy from the moment I woke up until the very late hours of the night, but it was always with different activities and classes. Working full time was challenging for me because I was in one place for 8 hours of my day five times a week and I couldn't walk everywhere as easily as when I was on campus. I think it was also hard because I wasn't really enjoying what I did. Thankfully, I made the decision to leave my job and am now working as a Social Worker for the County of Napa. I supervise visits between children and parents. So far it has been a humbling experience and I am excited to see how this role will nourish my passion for social justice and for making a difference in my community.

It also has been great having my license! I don't have my own car so the amount of driving I have done on my own hasn't changed too much, but it feels good to finally have my license. It took me seven years to get it, but in the last month before getting it there was a shift in my view of life that helped me finally get it. I have been taking a seminar called Causing the Miraculous. In this seminar I have received tools to let go of my past and look at the future as a possibility. I have also been working with the tool of integrity. The part of the definition of integrity that stood out to me was the part where it says,"integrity is making promises you don't know how to keep." At first I thought, "Why would you make promises you don't know how to keep?" But what I got and was powerful for me is looking at the kind of person you become in working to honor your word.

When I received my job offer with the County I did not have my license and this time I could not get away with not having it. I would need it to pick up and drop off kids for their visits. Thankfully, I had scheduled my appointment a while back and it happened to be four days before my start date. But I was cutting it close and the possibility of failing was there and if I did...."STOP, you can do it. Practice every day," I told myself. And I did. I practiced more in the two and half weeks before my test than I did the entire 7 years of "trying" to get my license. I was definitely a different person as I worked to honor my word that on October 23, 2014 I would PASS my license test. I even felt more confident taking the test this time around than the last time I took it. I still made mistakes on the test, but my new confidence showed the driving instructor I was ready to get my license!

Learning about integrity and practicing to honor my word has not only helped me with getting my license, but also with seeing the areas of my life where I am out of integrity and restoring it. Not writing on my blog since May 22 is being out of integrity because I've said before that I would post more often and I haven't. There's no need to beat myself up for it. I just wanted to acknowledge it, hold myself accountable and promise to honor my word of blogging more often. How does once a week sound? I have a commitment to share with you in hopes of spreading inspiration and love in the world! <3

I'm Wide Awake and Alive...

Every once in a while, I like to tell you about the wonderful people in my life. To be honest, I don't think I do it enough. I will be better about telling you more about them. These people deserve acknowledgment.

Today I am going to tell you about a very special person who came into my life out of no where. From the very beginning he made me feel like I could be myself. As we got in the car to join three other new and old friends, the song Roar came on the radio. I got excited, but then quickly calmed myself down because I wasn't sure how "cool" it was to like Katy Perry. Yeah, I know, why would anyone ever question that? But I did. I questioned it because I often care about what other people think of me and I wanted to make a good first impression. However, there was something about this person that made me feel like I could share I had recently seen the documentary on Katy Perry and loved her! He said, "What's wrong with Katy Perry? Don't be shy about it." One question I dislike answering is, "What kind of music do you listen to?" I never know what to say because I usually just like what is on the radio. (Although in middle school I did like that hyphy music.) I feel like the music other people are into is more thoughtful and meaningful, but his words of encouragement helped me be authentic. I then felt comfortable to tell him and the rest of the car I had taken my drivers test at the end of July and failed it. They were the first to know besides my family that after six years of renewing my permit, I had finally taken the driving test and failed because I almost hit the curb backing up! That car ride to the Crew retreat was the start of a great friendship.

Since that car ride, I have been able to talk to him about anything. He has been there for me during times of hard change. Even though things were not ideal, he never ran away. He is one of the most thoughtful human beings I have ever met. He's a great hugger. He knows how to make people smile and laugh. He is compassionate. Caring. Authentic. Playful.  Love.

 He is love. He has shown me what it means to love another and to see the face of God.

I tend to be private about my personal "love" life, but I want to make an exception for this wonderful person. I have never been happier and more alive. I am so happy that it often weighs heavy on my heart I won't get to introduce him to my grandma. Although I'm pretty sure she picked him out for me from up there. He is something special. It doesn't have to be the 12th for him to ask me about my grandma. He's even set aside prayer time with her. Apparently, my grandma learned English in Heaven. :)

I am so thankful I get to share my faith with him. Going to mass together has been a true blessing. It's refreshing to be able to talk about God in daily conversation. That is something I have always dreamed about being present in a relationship and it has made all of the difference.

Thank you Alessandro Folchi for all of the love you give me. For making me feel special. For being supportive of my passions and dreams. Thank you for sharing your passions and dreams with me. For encouraging reconciliation. Thank you for giving me rides to places I need to go to like the bank, nail salon with my friends, and especially home. Thank you for helping me surprise my mom last Wednesday at Safeway. Thank you for caring about my family and friends. For being patient when my strong suit of being quiet kicks in. Thank you for the little things you do like help me find my phone even though it's usually in my backpack, which you call a black hole. Thank you for being my prayer partner. For the smile you put on my face. Thank you for being authentic and playful. For being the possibility of love. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person every day. Thank you for being my best friend.

Can't wait until we see Katy Perry in September! <3

Living Like She Still Is...

Three weeks ago I picked up the phone and dialed a number I never thought I would. Maybe he won't answer I thought to myself, but then he did. I could tell he was surprised by my call, but I could also tell he was glad that I did. I shared with him what I had been up to that weekend- I was at a leadership conference/retreat called Landmark. I wasn't really sure how to describe it, except that this experience had opened me up to the possibility of having the family my grandma always dreamed about. I knew it would not be easy, but I was willing to take the risk for my grandma. 

I invited him to come to the final night of the forum where he would have the chance to hear what the weekend had done for other people. He told me he was proud of me for taking the risk and that he would try to make it. As I hung up the phone I was both excited and scared for what would happen next. I had made 1 out of 10 phone calls. I sure did get myself into something big...

I called the rest of my uncles, aunts, and my mom to tell them about my weekend. (I still need to get a hold of three of them) I called them to share with them the new perspective of life I had received. To just say hello and tell them I loved them. I invited them all to come to the final evening. They all told me they would try to make it.

Now, it was the final night. I anxiously made my way to the Hyatt Hotel where the last session would take place. I kept looking at the clock and then turning around to see if any of my guests had arrived. As the session began and my guests were no where to be seen, my heart started beating faster. I could barely hear what the forum leader was saying. I had told everyone at the forum that my family would be here. There was no way I would go up to the microphone and share. But JC was there. My friends Erin and Nick were there. My best friend Alex was there. Gary was there...

My grandma was there. And before I knew it, my hand was up in the air and I was chosen to go up and share with over 300 people.

"Hello, my name is Maira Gutierrez and I am a senior at Santa Clara University. One of my strong suits is being quiet, but tonight I will not be. This weekend has shown me how important it is to know the difference between a story and what actually happened. For example, I invited my mom and her family to come tonight because I wanted to enroll them into the possibility of being the family my grandma always wanted, but they aren't here. I can stand here and say that this means they don't love me, that they don't care about my grandma and her dreams OR I can say what actually happened, which was they were working late and were unable to make it tonight. This didn't mean they didn't want to move forward the way my grandma wanted them to and the way I invited them to and it certainly did not mean I was going to give up on being a champion for my family. I struggled with deciding who I should invite and call because I had different relationships with each of my uncles and aunts, but as I thought about what my grandma would do, I knew I needed to call them all. I knew some would think I was naive, but I couldn't let that stop me. One thing I learned this weekend is that even though my grandma is gone, I can honor her by being the woman she wanted me to be. By being just like her- a brave, strong, forgiving, and loving woman."

That night I spoke like my grandma would have wanted me to and I was so grateful for the breakthrough I had. I never thought I would be able to speak in front of a crowd like that. 

Now, I still have some phone calls to make. I should have made them a while ago, but I'm hoping this post will hold me accountable. I have not been posting regularly on here either, so I hope that changes after this post too. I have been blessed with several breakthroughs I want to share. And just little graces here and there from the big man upstairs.

It is what it is, but there is always a reason to smile. This is for you grandma <3

Through the waves and the wind...

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord save me!" Immediately Jesus REACHED OUT and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

Praying with this scripture passage has made a big difference in my life. I had heard bits and pieces of this passage before, but it wasn't until a few days ago that I put together the pieces of Peter walking on water. My mentor often talked about it with me. Peter walking on water is one of his favorite examples to draw from and apply to different life situations.

Each time he would ask me a different question about the story. "What happened when Peter saw the wind?" In my mind I thought, I should know this. Why don't I know this? Did he get scared? Yes! And he would continue to ask me questions. However, each time he asked, I still worried about not knowing the answer right away. He had used this example with me so many times. How did I not know this by now?

But how could I know when I hadn't actually read the whole passage from start to finish before? Bits and pieces. That is all I had to work with. My mentor's next question and my answer is what changed things for me and has made this passage very important to me. He asked me what Jesus did when He saw Peter sinking in the water.

My answer came from my knowledge of the other time Peter was afraid of the heavy winds while they were out on the sea and Jesus had fallen asleep.

I said, " Knowing Jesus, he probably scolded him for doubting."

NO!!!! "He reached out his arm and grabbed him!!!"

I realized then that I wasn't actually familair with the passage so my mentor looked up the passage from the gospel of Matthew and had me read it out loud.

"Immediately Jesus REACHED OUT and CAUGHT him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"

"See He did give him a hard time!"

"Yes, but FIRST he caught him!"

Oh how much that little detail has changed things for me. Lately, the waves in my life have been high tides and like Peter I was of little faith and doubted. Yet even in the doubt, I was caught and saved from the winds and waves through praying with this scripture passage.

I know the waves will keep coming, but knowing that Jesus is there to catch me, comforts me. This passage has invited me to spend more time with the big man. I was a little embarassed my first answer was that He would scold Peter. I mean I wasn't wrong, but wow. How could I forget Jesus' immense love and desire to keep us safe? Of course he would catch him first. I am so grateful for the gift of mentors and prayer. Reminders of where God is inviting me and how He communicates to me to guide me there.

<3

For a season...

So one can say I have been a little extra sensitive lately. Perhaps it's because I am halfway done with my Senior year of college. The fact I don't really know what I am doing after graduation probably adds to it. All I know is that I would like to get my Masters in Divinity either from Notre Dame, Boston, or Berkley. I have been encouraged to apply for a year of service through JVC as a way of getting experience and to more deeply discern my desire to be a Campus Minister. But I have little desire to immerse myself into this lifestyle for a whole year. Thoughts such as does this make me a bad person come into mind. Who wouldn't want to do service for a year?

The thing is that it's not that I don't want to do service, I do. It's the part about committing for a whole year that is not the right fit for me. I think a balance of service with a job would be a better fit for me. It's been a while since I have been home and I'd like to have the freedom to be able to visit family before I take the big step of going to graduate school further away.

Before coming to Santa Clara I don't think I had heard the word discern. Honestly, I don't think I heard this word until I became involved with CLC. Now that word is part of my everyday vocabulary. Through the language of Ignatian Spirituality I have learned to discern where God is calling me. I have learned to discern between the voice of good and evil. Between two goods. Between my voice and the voice coming from God, which is always more encouraging than my own. That same voice that tells me I am not a bad person for not doing service for a whole year. That voice that comforts me and guides me in discerning. This of course doesn't mean I am an expert. There are times when it becomes harder to pay attention to the movement of my feelings when I pray. Perhaps that is because I have not been spending very much time in prayer.

It's hard for me to focus in prayer when I have so much going on. I try to invite God into everything so that I may be present and enjoy every day, but lately my emotions have fogged my vision. If I'm being authetic and honest, these emotions are coming from a place similar to my senior year in high school. When friendships change, it's difficult for me to adjust. I get in my head about it and make it about me. What did I do to make this happen? Why does it feel that even though I am trying, I've already been left behind? Perhaps it's because I have been. I think that is one of the hardest things to discern: What is God trying to tell me through this friendship and its change? Why is it so important for me to hold on? What if I let go? How is this keeping me from being free?

I was reminded of a quote last night. "People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." She said, "It's true that people come into our lives for a reason and some stay with us all our lives, but the hardest one is when people only stay for a season."

When people only stay for a season...

It's hard for me to accept that when they were a reason I felt at home. It's hard to accept that when they brought so much joy in my life. It's hard to accept that when I shared some of my deepest fears with them. It's hard to accept that when it all feels out of your control- the thing that changed. But like with all that is out of my control, I must trust and let go. I must trust and offer it up.

As my young 18 year self wrote in a post four years ago, "Just because a friendship is no longer what it use to be doesn't mean it was never real, that it was meaningless, or that it's over. You just have to ask yourself whether or not it's worth fighting for. I like to think that once you're my friend, you're always my friend." Things might be different, but when ever you need a friend, I am there.

And as I was reminded by a good friend, " It is what it is, but there is always a reason to smile."

<3

Take me there....

A day for reflection is often needed. It's almost the middle of week 6. There's lots going on as a Senior. Just finished my petition to graduate and it's almost the 12th. Below is what my prayer conversation went like today:

Guide me as I take each step.

I want to face the world with courage.

Take me to the place where my fears will be challenged.

Left. Right.

Skies are gray. 

I feel a slight breeze as I walk towards new possibilities.

I'll either be chosen or not.

If not, does that mean I am not good enough?

Take me to a place away from this concern.

There's a bench.

I feel a slight breeze as I sit contemplating what it all means.

Why have you brought me here?

There's no response, except...

I feel a sense of peace.

This breeze is special.

It's unlike any wind.

For this wind will direct me to places I never thought possible.

It's not a matter of whether or not others think I can, but rather whether or not I think I can.

Take me to the place where I do.

Take me to the place where my heart feels at home.

Safe and free.

<3

Always remembering her.

My Big Fat Moment of Grace....

As I folded my laundry today, I looked at the clock at 12:12 and all the memories came back. Oh how much I miss her. As I closed the top drawer it hit me all over again. It's been a long time since I have seen her and it will continue to be that way for a while. I only thought about this for a little though because before I knew it, my friend had arrived at my house for our coffee date. When I got back, I continued with the organization of my room. I moved a framed picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe I had on one of my shelves to a more visible place near the clock. I remembered how my grandma had given it to me when I left for school my freshman year. Again I thought about how I missed her. Now at this point I didn't even realize it was the 12th of month. I think about my grandma quite often, but today I was remembering her in quite a different way. It was like my body and mind were trying to remind me of what they know every month.

The big moment of grace happened while I was watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding for the first time earlier today. I know, I know. I was kind of late getting on the train to watch it a long time ago. So many people had told me it was a must see classic. And for someone who happens to have one of the biggest chick flick movie collections it was very surprising I hadn't seen it sooner. Anyway, as I watched the movie I could relate a lot of Tula's family background to mine. I'm not exactly Greek, but my family is still fun and crazy like hers. We have certain traditions that would be new to the person I bring into my family and I often get nervous thinking about that. I could see a lot of my grandma in the personality of Tula's traditional father and it made me miss her. One of my favorite scenes was when Tula's grandma gives her a crown from a box covered in shells. In that moment, I realized how my grandma won't be there for my big day. How much I will miss her that day when it comes, God willing. And then I touched my phone to check the date and that's when I saw it was the 12th. I smiled quietly to myself and felt the warmth in my heart of the big fat moment of grace I experienced at that time. One year and month later and she's still got it. Gone but always around. <3

I'd like to dedicate this post to a friend who has recently lost her grandmother and is now on her journey to learning to live in a world without her. May she feel her grandma's presence even in the distance for those we love never really die. <3