There's science and then there's God...

 

Within a few weeks my faith was both challenged and renewed. 

Three times I was in the room when I thought she was for sure leaving us.

I have never experienced a fear as cold as those nights in the hospital.

Watching my mother watch her mother slowly giving up and yet fighting to stay in this world

is something I don't wish upon anyone. It's truly heartbreaking. 

On the second night of my grandma being sick, 

we began praying a novena - the rosary for 9 days. 

On the 9th day it is said that your prayers are answered and a miracle will happen.

On the 7th day, they said there was nothing else that could be done.

One kidney completely gave up and the other only worked 1 percent.

The liquid in her lungs was accumulating, making it harder to breathe, and her heart was weak.

The warmth in her eyes was gone. 

We needed to be ready for what would come next they said.
It was only a matter of days.

Those words stung. What seemed to be far down in life was now right before us.

But...

There's science and there's God.

So...

My aunt, she took out her rosary beads, 

lit her candle and we all knew what that meant.

It was time to pray. 

On the 8th day, we were still waiting. Grandma was not doing well. As we waited, somewhere along our conversations we realized that the next day was the 9th day of the novena. We all smiled and patiently waited some more.

And as if on cue, the morning of the 9th day, we got the news we needed.

The news we had been praying for - a true miracle.

Her kidney started working again. The liquid in her lungs was lower.

Her blood pressure was stable.

She was able to have a conversation with all of us once again.

Mi abuelita was back.

 Not 100 percent, but she was back.

The doctors were speechless. And we were full of joy. 

Full of gratitude. Full of faith. 

"Science only goes so far, and then comes God (1)."


She would only be with us twelve more days, but that did not take away from the miracle for she did not leave us on an ordinary day. No, she fought hard to make it to the feast of her beloved Virgen de Guadalupe. On 12/12/12 at 12:12p.m. in Room 12, my grandmother took her last breath.

It broke our hearts and her absence will always hurt, but knowing she went on her favorite day of the year is a true gift from God.  A reminder that He does the impossible. That when the going gets rough we are not alone. Where hopes ends, faith begins.

Prayer is a powerful thing.

So much love for my family.
They have showed me what true love and faith looks like.
And even more love for my grandma today, always and forever.
She is our reason to smile, our miracle.

Descanse en paz abuelita chula!

<3

Citations: Quote taken from The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. Picture was taken from google.

My partner in crime...

Sara Carleen Warner.

She's 5' 5".
Likes the Dodgers (Still don't know why).
Junior at UCLA.
My best friend.

And today is her 20th Birthday so this post is dedicated to her and why she is one of my reasons to smile!

Sara and I met during our awkward middle school phase in life. However, 9 years ago we thought that was our "cool" phase. We thought we were so cool that we played games like around the world in 80 seconds where you basically run around the park and pretend to visit different parts of the world as fast as possible. 80 seconds to be exact. Hence the name of the game! The game sounds silly, but you'd be surprised how much you learn about geography. I learned that Niagra Falls is not near the Mexican Border, but rather the Canadian one. Thank you Sara for helping me understand why I saw French people! From playing these silly games, to getting kicked out of cheer practice for having too long of socks, to going to Disneyland and losing my wallet with her money, to sleepovers, to quoting White Chicks and attending dramatic dances with stink bombs, middle school was a great time in our lives and I'm happy we got to do those things together!

Now based off of my description above it might sound as if our friendship is only based on laughing and having fun, and while we do both of those things, our friendship is way more than that. Our friendship over the years, especially in high school has gone through its trials, but it has been through those trials that we have grown as individuals and together as friends. I think a true friendship needs to go through some bumps in order to test how real it is and from experience I can say our friendship is one that will last for a lifetime. We will stick together because we are what each other have (WWWIII). It's nice to know that I don't have to face the imperfections of this world alone. I always have my partner in crime for whatever life throws at us both good and bad. And that is one of the greatest blessings! The world needs more friends like her.

Thank you Sara for being you. For always listening and never judging. I have learned to be a better person because of you. You give me confidence. Strength. Encouragement. Love. Laughter. Happiness. A shoulder to lean on. A refreshing perspective. I love you beyond what words can describe and I am so incredibly proud of the beautiful and genuine young woman that you have continued to be through out the years. My life is better because of you! I wish I could be in LA to help you celebrate your date of birth, but don't worry I will make plans ahead of time for next year when you turn 21! Woot!! Happy Birthday S Dub. Sending you all my love. Remember that you are one of my reasons to smile and I got your back. Always. <3

Squishy and Mac and Cheese

"I'd walk a 1000 miles."

"Do you like your muffin buttered?"

"You are so Crucial"

"Party Makeup"

"What a beautiful chocolate man"

<3

My Bittersweet Challenge...

Ever heard of the saying that every girl needs an older brother? Whether you have or haven’t, you’re about to find out why it is so true or at least why it is to me. Yes, I’m about to tell you about my older brother, Mario Gutierrez. While the order in which I wrote about each of my family members does not indicate who I like more than the other, there was a reason why I have waited to write about him. Of all the people I have ever known, he is the one that challenges me the most.

You see we are both the eldest of the genders so our personalities often clash. We see the world from two different perspectives and deal with things in our way. He likes to act like nothing is wrong and I like to talk about things. When we were younger, he often wouldn’t let me play with him and Eric because he said I had too many feelings. However, even behind his cool front I’ve always known deep down he appreciates my sensitivity. Otherwise who would have made him a sandwich when he was “running away” from home? (He wasn’t actually running away, he just said that because he was hungry and knew I was a sucker when it came to sad fates).

It is because of him that I have grown in my strength and confidence over the years. He has taught me to take charge of my own life. He pushes me to want to be the best version of myself and to not let anyone keep me from getting to the top or allowing anyone to second guess myself. He doesn’t know this, but he has a big influence on the way I make important decisions. I think about what he would do and what he would think of my decision. “You can do better.” That’s what I always hear. He knows my potential. He has known me my whole life. He watched me take my first steps and say my first words. Some of my favorite memories to bring up are the ones that involve us when we were kids. Eric and I thought he was the coolest kid. He always came up with the best games to play and when all of us should have gotten in trouble he would take all the blame. I owe a lot of my childhood to him. A lot of people wish they could go back to being a kid because things were so much easier then. And that’s true, but I prefer phrasing it by saying I wish I could go back to my childhood because that’s when I felt genuinely  safe. I owe that to him too. There's just something about an older brother that makes you feel protected. Invincible. "If something is wrong, my older brother will take care of it." 

I carry my childhood close to my heart and I’m often taken back to the past with his kid-like personality. That of course doesn’t mean to say that he’s immature because that is far from the truth. Of all of us, he has been the one that has had to grow up the fastest. When he graduated from high school he did not have the resources to go to college like I did. But that never stopped him from living a great life. At the age of 18 he was hired as a teller at one of the Wells Fargo branches and within months was promoted to be a personal banker. Now he is a supervisor at West America Bank and he is only 24. He has a good job, is one of the smartest guys I know, is in love, owns a BMW he paid for by himself, and is working on getting his trainer’s license. He is OBSESSED with working out and living a healthy lifestyle (don’t dare call it a diet, it’s a touchy subject). He was the first captain of the Justin Siena braves to lead the Varsity soccer team to the MCALS tournament in 2003 and he continues to play the sport he loves in an adult league as well as an indoor team with our brother Eric.

I know sometimes my older brother can be misunderstood, but I hope he knows he is one of my reasons to smile and that I am proud of him. Behind all that cool lies the heart of gold he got from our mother. Behind it all is that ninja turtle loving 5 year old kid we all love and know!

In the end, he always has our back!

Kuabunga! Love you Raccoon. <3

She's my momma...

Now if you are wondering what kind of person my mother is, you're in for a treat! I could not have been raised by a better woman. Now and then I think of the type of person I hope to become and she is hands down my hero. At age 14 she left her hometown in Mexico in hopes of a better future. Back then communication was not as easy as it is today, so she would go days without talking to her parents. Having dropped out of school to work in order to support her parents and siblings, an ideal job was not really in the cards for her. But she has never been the type to be scared of working hard. She is one of the hardest workers I have ever known always putting herself, her needs, and wants last.

Some people only see their parents as their parents, which isn't a bad thing, but I am thankful that I can also see my mother as my best friend. There are so many special conversations that I carry close to my heart. It's rare the day that we don't talk even when I am at away at school. When I am away from home we will talk at least three times a day. For some people that is a lot, but for me it's one of the greatest blessings. On my worst days, talking to her makes things bearable. On my best days, talking to her is the cherry on top! When I think of the person who would genuinely do anything for me, it is her, my mama. And that is why I strive to be the best version of myself. It is the least I can do for the woman who selflessly has made sure I have gotten everything I ever wanted and needed. She has sacrificed a lot for me, my siblings, my dad, and my grandparents. She always goes above and beyond to keep the people around her happy. She has a heart of gold!

I admire her beyond words can explain. Her daily life is more than I could ever do. From taking care of her aging parents, to working, taking care of her children, cooking, and being a wife, every morning she wakes up with the best energy. Sometimes it's a little overwhelming at 7 am, but when I stop to appreciate it I am reminded of the blessing she is in my life and it's not just because she still makes me a lunch with my name on it when I go to work! There is so much I could say about my mom. She's the sweetest and super funny. She loves to talk to people and people love to talk to her. She will make the person standing next to her in line her friend by the time she checks out. She has such a welcoming personality. I don't know how she does it, but I am so glad that I get to call her my mother. I honestly cannot imagine my life without her. No shame, I am a big mama's girl.  She plays a huge role in my life and while I try, she doesn't get recognized for everything she does as much as she should. So this post is dedicated to her, my mama, my reason to smile!

Love you mamita bonita <3

The Year After...

It's crazy how much can change in one year. Sometimes that change brings happiness and sometimes it brings hard times. As I think of a moment in my life where a year has significantly played a role, I come upon the year after I was born. I know it sounds silly because I personally can't recall details of me being a year old, but there was an important moment that took place during that time of my life. It was the moment where one of the most genuine guys came into my life and I became an older sister for the first time.

While being an older sister has its pressures, it's also one of the greatest blessings. What makes things more unique is that year difference. That year difference has made all the difference. In a way it's like we go through things together. I start high school. Then he starts high school. I go to college. He goes to college. And because it all happens within a one year time frame, we can learn from each other and our experiences. We know a lot of the same people and both have a future to look forward to around the same time of our lives. We both push and encourage each other to be the best versions of ourselves and to go after our dreams.

However, I should warn you about this kid. If you meet him, don't be surprised if you quickly want to make him your best friend. It will either be his heart of gold, his witty sense of humor, or his ability to see people for who they really are that gets you. One of our friends and I have concluded to call it the "Eric spell." He seriously knows how to win people over and what is so great about it, is that he is just being himself. He has this way of making you feel like the most important person with out sugar coating it. You know, just being real. He will go above and beyond to be a good son, brother, grandson, and friend.

One of his biggest passions is soccer. When he was about 5 years old, my parents signed him up to be on his first soccer team. We were running late for his first game and since he listened to everything our older brother told him, he ran into the middle of a girls game and started kicking the ball. The coach had to stop the game to get him out, but the crowd loved him. And the crowd has loved him ever since. 15 years later he has accomplished a great deal with his soccer career. As captain of the Justin Siena Braves Varsity team, he led them to their first MCAL championship game his senior year. He has been recognized as best defensive player, best offensive player, and all county player 4 years in a row. And this past year continued to do his thing at Linfield College in McMinville, Oregon. He doesn't plan to just stop there. He hopes to play Division 1 soccer and make it to the pros. Some people have discouraged him from going after this dream because of his height, others because of the difficulty of that dream alone, but I say that they are forgetting that he is Eric Gutierrez. He is a legend in the making. You remember that when it comes true. Either way I know he will go above and beyond to be someone great in this world because he was meant for something amazing!

Love you twin. Thank you for being my inspiration, one of my reasons to smile.

Every warrior needs a shield...

There are some days where I think I have it all figured out. There are also some days where I question it all. But no matter the day, I always have someone to share it with and that is my beautiful little sister, Giselle.

I was about 6 years old when she was born. I remember I was not very happy when I first knew I was going to have a sister because I would no longer be the only girl. But that quickly changed and I couldn't be happier. She looks up to me because I'm her older sister, but honestly I have learned so much from her. When I think of confidence and strength, she's the first to come to my mind. My brothers are really protective of us, but they are a little less with her simply because of her strong character. She doesn't break easily and it's one of the many reasons that make her one of the most beautiful girls I have ever known. She's a real catch. Boys, you better be smart!

It's funny because people are actually surprised to hear that I have a sister. One of my friends came over once and saw pictures of her and she thought I hired her to play the role of my sister. Nope, I'm just blessed. Seriously, people always say that a girl needs an older brother, and that's true, but a girl also needs a little sister. I don't know what I would do without her. She has been my shield. This past spring break, I was having one of those times, where things kind of suck and you don't really know when they will get better. Going back to school was going to be hard for me, but she made it easier by spending her spring break with me at school. Having her there made all the difference and before I knew it things got better.

Everything's always better when we're together. From watching One Tree Hill and The Bachlorette, to working out, staying up late talking, and to sharing our clothes (even if sometimes we fight about it), it's all better because we get to do it together. And it's those moments that make everything worth it all over again. She's my walking diary. That's a pretty big deal to me. Opening up is not the easiest thing for me, especially when having to admit to mistakes or insecurities. I'm her older sister. I'm not supposed to make mistakes or be insecure. I'm supposed to live up to a higher standard. But see that's why she is so great. She sees me for who I am. She knows the pressures I put on myself and no matter what she is proud of who I am. She doesn't judge me and always loves me. She's the one that reminds me to breathe and enjoy the moments that lie before me. She doesn't need me to be perfect, she just needs me to be her older sister, her warrior and it's the least I can do for my shield. We're one for the other. So this post is to her, one of my blessings and reasons to smile!

Love you cubs. <3

Citations : Shield picture. http://www.ashleygale.co.uk/dat/?p=388

My Little Man...

Today I am thankful for my little brother Christopher. Ever since he was born, he has been a big part of my life. I have always been extra protective of him. And we have always had a very special relationship. He was a big reason why leaving for college was so difficult. But he was also a big reason why even my worst days weren't so bad. He called me every night to check up on me. And he would tell me about his day. He's one of the greatest kids ever. Anyone who knows him, would agree. He always knows how to put a smile on your face. And he's the reason why the saying "kids say the darnest things" exists. This kid will make you laugh for days!!

One of my favorite things about him is his immensely big heart and the wisdom he has for a 10 year-old. I said I was protective of him, but now that he is older, he is way more protective of me, especially when it comes to boys. He's pretty good at giving me advice and knows when something is wrong. Everyday he never seizes to amaze me. Yesterday for example he noticed I had not eaten anything and he went into the kitchen to prepare me what he called a surprise. And it was a great surprise. He prepared me a delicious plate of fruit which we shared and enjoyed with a conversation. It's those little things that he does that set him a part and make me look at my life and realize how blessed I am to be his older sister. There's no doubt in my mind he is going to grow up to do great things with his life. I just wish he wasn't growing up so fast! Love my little man <3

A man like no other...

As part of my attempt to be happy because I can be, I would like to try something new with my blog. At the end of every day I want to focus on my blessings and share them with you. Everyday, there is something to be thankful for. There's a great quote that says, "If the only prayer you said in your whole life was 'thank you', that would be enough" (Meister Eckhart).

Today, I want to express my gratitude for my father. He is honestly the greatest man I have ever known. And I am not just saying this because he is my dad. Sure it helps, but he has gained my respect by more than just his title of a father. He has gained my respect because of his character, his perspective on life, and his strength. He has his own way of showing emotion and affection, so when he does, it means a lot. It means a lot because it's authentic. It's sincere. He doesn't do it to impress those who are watching. He does it because it comes from the heart. He is humble. He is hard working. He is smart. He is hilarious. He's a good listener. He's not superficial. He's encouraging. He has taught me the importance of being a good person. He has taught me that hard work will take me far. He has taught me never to put myself above or below anyone because we are all equal. He has shown me what true love looks like. He has shown me what it means to be passionate and stand up for what I believe in. He has a selfless heart. He is one of my reasons to be happy.

I still remember when he dropped me off at Santa Clara last year. As it was time to say goodbye and reality checked in, I asked him not to leave me. I asked him to tell me it was okay to come home. And he did. He said I didn't have to do anything I did not want to do. He also told me he thought I would regret this decision so in the mean time, until I made a final decision he would drive me to school every day. I'm pretty lucky. I chose to use this memory because it sums up my dad well.  He always wants the best for the people he cares about (and honestly even strangers). He knew staying at school would be difficult for me, so he would do what he could to make it easier for me because he knew that in the end this would be a good opportunity for me. He knew this would make me happy in the end. Being happy has always been something he has told me to be. Something he has always wanted for me. When I am quick to be pessimistic, he is quick to redirect me into looking at the bright side and to being happy. I like that he always pushes me to my fullest potential. I like that he believes I can do things on my own, but is always near in case I need the extra support and encouragement.

Sure sometimes, he can be stubborn like when it comes to fixing things or parking, and sometimes he gets angry, but at the end of the day, my dad is one of my reasons to smile. He is my rock and I admire him for everything he has gone through, for everything he has accomplished. Not simply for going through the things he has gone through, but for the attitude he continues to have about life even amongst it all. Just recently, he lost one of his uncles. Today, over lunch he opened up to me about it. And in the way he expressed himself, I was reminded all over again of the inspiration he is for me. I feel honored to be his daughter. And I am truly blessed!!

Love you dad. <3

Take Two...

This time last year, I was all packed up and ready to go back home. It had been a long year of adjustment and change and to be honest, I still wasn't sure this whole college thing was for me. I mean things got better as the year went on, but something was missing and keeping me from calling Santa Clara my home.  A summer of reflection gave me the time to take in everything I had experienced and take on a perspective that made all the difference.

I didn't know what the missing piece looked like, but I was determined to find it...

Turns out the missing piece consisted of multiple parts...

I found the first piece in Suite 305. It was the piece that blessed me with company and laughter. Or as I liked to call them, my beautiful butterflies.

I found another piece on Search. It was the piece reminding me of the importance of the people I surround myself with.

Right after, I found a piece in CLC. It was the piece that took over my life this year, but helped me grow in ways that overwhelm me with gratitude and introduced me to amazing people. I mean have you met Fr. Manh?!!

I found a piece in Benson, where I finally shared meals and conversations with great friends.

A piece in Campisi, where I attempted to do homework, but never succeeded because of all the socializing and fun times.

A piece in the library where random encounters with friends brightened up my day.

And how can I forget the piece I found in Campus Ministry...my home away from home away from home!

Each of these pieces have one thing in common...PEOPLE! FRIENDS!!!

That sense of belonging.

It is these people, these friends that have helped me grow in ways I never imagined, to believe in myself, to be able to call Santa Clara my home away from home. It is also these people who have made me postpone packing as long as possible. It seems that right when things were becoming great, things have to pause for bit (a little longer for those studying abroad and for my graduating seniors). But I couldn't be happier with how this year has turned out. I truly am blessed and I am beyond excited to see what these next two years will bring.

Thank you friends for the love and friendship you have shared with me this year. For being part of that missing piece. May you all have a fantastic summer!!!

So MUCH love <3

What do we want from life?

Yesterday I took some time to do some free writing. Free writing helps me clear my mind. It's the best way for me to express my feelings. When I free write, I just let my thoughts flow. There are no guidelines. If I think it. I write it. And it's okay. As I was writing there was a common theme in what I was trying to convey and I was able to figure it out as I started reading this new book I got from my CLC community called The Rhythm of Life by Matthew Kelly. I was trying to figure out what I want from life. What I have always wanted from life. And I realized that what I want from life, what I have always wanted is to be happy. But not happy by the things I achieve or the things that I have. I simply want to be happy. What exactly does that entail? I don't know...

But I'd like to think it's much simpler than it appears. This happiness I'm talking about is authentic. It's not temporary. It comes from perspective. From the approach a person takes on life. For example how we start the day off. It's the same routine every morning. My alarm clock goes off, I press the snooze and struggle to get up 15 minutes later. I rush to pick out my clothes, brush my teeth without emotion, I look at the calendar and memorize everything I have to get done that day. I've only been up for 20 minutes and I've already been consumed by the superficiality of life. Instead I want to wake up and smile because I got to wake up. I want to enjoy the morning routine of picking out my clothes and brushing my teeth instead of worrying about everything I have to get done that day. I want to enjoy the simple moments. I want to stop going through the day. I want to stop looking forward to Friday when Monday comes around. I want to enjoy the present. I want to enjoy every single day.

And I know what you are thinking (especially if you're my older brother reading this) could you be anymore cliche? But I ask you to look deeper and see what I am trying to get at. We have one life to live. I want to enjoy it. I don't want to rush to the next chapter because it's supposed to be the best time of my life. Why can't the chapter I'm currently in be the best time of life? And the next one too? And the one after that? Why do I have to find a reason for everything that happens good and bad? Why can't it just be because it is? Why can't I just be happy because I can be? I don't know about you, but I want to be happy now and every day. And I can be. We can be. It's all about the lens we choose to look at what life throws at us. Cliche? Okay you keep giving me a hard time about it, but I will continue to argue there's actually so much truth to it. We are just afraid to admit that things are much simpler than they appear, that we are the ones who make it complicated. 

Give it a try....

What do you want from life?

Citations: Man on top of mountain. http://www.infpcareers.com/category/featured-2/

The poor old woman in Apt #79...

She waits by the phone. 

You never know, today they might call.

She waits by the door.

You never know, today they might visit.

She puts on her best dress.

You never know, today they might invite her for a meal.

Every day is the same routine

Always hopeful that today they might remember

Remember the poor old woman

Who brought them into this world

Who fed them and took care of them

Who is now tired and can barely get out of bed

Who after all the selfless giving and never getting

Would do it all again

Just to hear the phone ring

Just to hear the knock on the door

Just to hear them say, "Ma you look beautiful in that dress"

But instead she just waits by door in her best dress with the phone in her hand.

The only sound to be heard is the pain in her heart.

The only movement are her hands wiping the tears.

The only conversation is with her broken reflection.

When I heard this story it made me angry.

All the woman wants is to feel like she is wanted.

To feel that she still matters.

To feel that she is loved.

Is that really too much to ask?

When I heard this story 

I knew one day they would regret taking her for granted.

And I no longer felt angry, but sad for them.

So I pray they realize it soon.

How good they have it.

For them and for her.

Before she no longer waits by the phone

No longer waits by the door

No longer puts on her best dress

Because she is gone.



Picture Citations: Empty rocking chair. http://www.wikinut.com/img/13n3nrqtpe88yjyc/empty-rocking-chair

I don't think this is love...

I don't think this is love, but it still hurts.

I find myself thinking about him often.

I focus on the good moments we had; the little things he told me about himself. 

And then I remember how things ended.

I wish I could go back.

I wish I could have dealt with things differently. 

Now I just have to wait until the next time I see him.

It could go well or it could go bad.

I'm hoping for the first, but expecting the worst. 

He's going to use what he knows against me 

And not give me a chance to tell him how things really went down. 

I know I don't need to explain myself.

And yet there's something telling me to give it one more shot.

I'm willing, but he's already shut me out.

And yet there's something insisting there's more to the story.

He's a good guy, but I do have a history of being disappointed.

So maybe this is a good thing.

Ending before it get's deeper.

They say put yourself out there...they say to be careful.

I don't know who to listen to anymore.

I'm trying to look at the bigger picture, but what if I'm not okay with it? 

What if my destiny isn't what I want? What if what I want is him? 

BUT...what if he never wanted me at all?

This is a messed up situation.

I don't think this is love, but it still keeps me up at night.

I wonder what he really thinks about me. 

Did he mean it when he said I was different? 

Or was that an easy way out...to not hurt my feelings...

Because if he really thought I was different, 

Why did he walk away so effortlessly?

It takes a real man to realize all he needs is one woman.

And yet it's not enough.

Where is his head at?

How much of this was just a game?

 How much of this was actually real?

That's why I was so defensive. I didn't want to get hurt.

I didn't want anything serious, but somewhere along the way 

I still fell for him...

Gave him the benefit of the doubt, 

Even after all of the warnings. 

I saw through the 

I-don't-have-any-feelings-I-can-get-any-girl-

I'm-not-really-a-douche-but-will-act-like-one 

front...that wall.

There was something about him.

I don't think this is love, but I'd be lying if I said I never cared about him.

<3



Citations: I do not own the rights to the picture in this post. I got it from google.