I'm Wide Awake and Alive...

Every once in a while, I like to tell you about the wonderful people in my life. To be honest, I don't think I do it enough. I will be better about telling you more about them. These people deserve acknowledgment.

Today I am going to tell you about a very special person who came into my life out of no where. From the very beginning he made me feel like I could be myself. As we got in the car to join three other new and old friends, the song Roar came on the radio. I got excited, but then quickly calmed myself down because I wasn't sure how "cool" it was to like Katy Perry. Yeah, I know, why would anyone ever question that? But I did. I questioned it because I often care about what other people think of me and I wanted to make a good first impression. However, there was something about this person that made me feel like I could share I had recently seen the documentary on Katy Perry and loved her! He said, "What's wrong with Katy Perry? Don't be shy about it." One question I dislike answering is, "What kind of music do you listen to?" I never know what to say because I usually just like what is on the radio. (Although in middle school I did like that hyphy music.) I feel like the music other people are into is more thoughtful and meaningful, but his words of encouragement helped me be authentic. I then felt comfortable to tell him and the rest of the car I had taken my drivers test at the end of July and failed it. They were the first to know besides my family that after six years of renewing my permit, I had finally taken the driving test and failed because I almost hit the curb backing up! That car ride to the Crew retreat was the start of a great friendship.

Since that car ride, I have been able to talk to him about anything. He has been there for me during times of hard change. Even though things were not ideal, he never ran away. He is one of the most thoughtful human beings I have ever met. He's a great hugger. He knows how to make people smile and laugh. He is compassionate. Caring. Authentic. Playful.  Love.

 He is love. He has shown me what it means to love another and to see the face of God.

I tend to be private about my personal "love" life, but I want to make an exception for this wonderful person. I have never been happier and more alive. I am so happy that it often weighs heavy on my heart I won't get to introduce him to my grandma. Although I'm pretty sure she picked him out for me from up there. He is something special. It doesn't have to be the 12th for him to ask me about my grandma. He's even set aside prayer time with her. Apparently, my grandma learned English in Heaven. :)

I am so thankful I get to share my faith with him. Going to mass together has been a true blessing. It's refreshing to be able to talk about God in daily conversation. That is something I have always dreamed about being present in a relationship and it has made all of the difference.

Thank you Alessandro Folchi for all of the love you give me. For making me feel special. For being supportive of my passions and dreams. Thank you for sharing your passions and dreams with me. For encouraging reconciliation. Thank you for giving me rides to places I need to go to like the bank, nail salon with my friends, and especially home. Thank you for helping me surprise my mom last Wednesday at Safeway. Thank you for caring about my family and friends. For being patient when my strong suit of being quiet kicks in. Thank you for the little things you do like help me find my phone even though it's usually in my backpack, which you call a black hole. Thank you for being my prayer partner. For the smile you put on my face. Thank you for being authentic and playful. For being the possibility of love. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person every day. Thank you for being my best friend.

Can't wait until we see Katy Perry in September! <3

Living Like She Still Is...

Three weeks ago I picked up the phone and dialed a number I never thought I would. Maybe he won't answer I thought to myself, but then he did. I could tell he was surprised by my call, but I could also tell he was glad that I did. I shared with him what I had been up to that weekend- I was at a leadership conference/retreat called Landmark. I wasn't really sure how to describe it, except that this experience had opened me up to the possibility of having the family my grandma always dreamed about. I knew it would not be easy, but I was willing to take the risk for my grandma. 

I invited him to come to the final night of the forum where he would have the chance to hear what the weekend had done for other people. He told me he was proud of me for taking the risk and that he would try to make it. As I hung up the phone I was both excited and scared for what would happen next. I had made 1 out of 10 phone calls. I sure did get myself into something big...

I called the rest of my uncles, aunts, and my mom to tell them about my weekend. (I still need to get a hold of three of them) I called them to share with them the new perspective of life I had received. To just say hello and tell them I loved them. I invited them all to come to the final evening. They all told me they would try to make it.

Now, it was the final night. I anxiously made my way to the Hyatt Hotel where the last session would take place. I kept looking at the clock and then turning around to see if any of my guests had arrived. As the session began and my guests were no where to be seen, my heart started beating faster. I could barely hear what the forum leader was saying. I had told everyone at the forum that my family would be here. There was no way I would go up to the microphone and share. But JC was there. My friends Erin and Nick were there. My best friend Alex was there. Gary was there...

My grandma was there. And before I knew it, my hand was up in the air and I was chosen to go up and share with over 300 people.

"Hello, my name is Maira Gutierrez and I am a senior at Santa Clara University. One of my strong suits is being quiet, but tonight I will not be. This weekend has shown me how important it is to know the difference between a story and what actually happened. For example, I invited my mom and her family to come tonight because I wanted to enroll them into the possibility of being the family my grandma always wanted, but they aren't here. I can stand here and say that this means they don't love me, that they don't care about my grandma and her dreams OR I can say what actually happened, which was they were working late and were unable to make it tonight. This didn't mean they didn't want to move forward the way my grandma wanted them to and the way I invited them to and it certainly did not mean I was going to give up on being a champion for my family. I struggled with deciding who I should invite and call because I had different relationships with each of my uncles and aunts, but as I thought about what my grandma would do, I knew I needed to call them all. I knew some would think I was naive, but I couldn't let that stop me. One thing I learned this weekend is that even though my grandma is gone, I can honor her by being the woman she wanted me to be. By being just like her- a brave, strong, forgiving, and loving woman."

That night I spoke like my grandma would have wanted me to and I was so grateful for the breakthrough I had. I never thought I would be able to speak in front of a crowd like that. 

Now, I still have some phone calls to make. I should have made them a while ago, but I'm hoping this post will hold me accountable. I have not been posting regularly on here either, so I hope that changes after this post too. I have been blessed with several breakthroughs I want to share. And just little graces here and there from the big man upstairs.

It is what it is, but there is always a reason to smile. This is for you grandma <3