To whom it may concern:
Bold, but polite. Confident, but humble. Social, but also an introvert. Brave, but not careless. Loving, but not weak. These have been some of the character traits that have driven me in my life. I have always wanted to be bold, but have been afraid of not being polite. I have always wanted to be confident, but have been afraid of not being humble. I have always wanted to lead social events, but not at the expense of the comfort of being safe as an introvert or worse at the expense of no one showing up or even worse worse people showing up and not having fun! I have always wanted to be brave, but not at the expense of regretting doing something too extreme. I have always wanted to be loving, and this one I would say I have done pretty well with, but often at the expense of being considered "weak" or "too sensitive". Not bold enough. Not confident enough to say what is really on her mind out of fear of not being polite. All of my life I have been apologetic about who I want to be. I have been apologetic about dreaming big. I have been embarrassed about some of my dreams and often played small so as to not make others around me uncomfortable (sometimes even myself). Like who do I think I am to deserve these big and bold dreams? The kind of person I want to be is only in the books that I read written by extraordinary people who are not apologetic about their dreams. They are bold. And they are polite. They are confident. And they are humble. They are social, but also spend time alone. They are brave. And they have boundaries. They are loving and are okay with being considered weak because they know that vulnerability is the foundation of authentic relationships. But me? I couldn't possibly know how to be all those things all at once. I couldn't possibly be an extraordinary person who dreams big and inspires others to dream big.
This was my conversation with God this morning. It has been my conversation with Him for many days this year. It has been an exhausting conversation. However, today as I sat up in my bed, staring at the cross in front of me, taking a deep exhausted breath, and wiping the never ending tears from my face, I heard Him whisper back, "You are extraordinary though. But not because you are bold. Not because you are polite. Not because you are social or an introvert. Not because you are brave or because you are extra careful. Not even because you are loving. You could do every right thing in the world. And that still wouldn't be the reason why you are extraordinary. You are extraordinary because you are mine. Because you don't need to do anything extraordinary to earn my love. In fact, you don't need to do anything at all. When will you finally get that? When will my love finally be enough?"
For some of you reading this, (if you made it this far), you might be thinking okay girl did He really whisper this to you? You are making this up! Ok. Go ahead and think that. I'm not saying I am a prayer expert. And it's not like I mean literally whispered. It's a figure of speech in describing how prayer goes when we silence the noise and let Him in our hearts. Maybe I did hear what I wanted to hear. But really that's not what I wanted to hear. Because that goes against everything I have always worked and lived for. I have always gone after big dreams because it was the only way I thought I would be accepted by others. If I said no to the next big opportunity, I would be a disappointment. It was the only way I could measure my worth. It wasn't what I wanted to hear because it seems all of my efforts have been for nothing because from the beginning I have been loved just the way I am by Him and those most closest to me. And to be honest, that really has been my biggest dream. To be loved. Just as I am. I could have been resting in that truth before today. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it's what I needed to hear.
Those of you who know me really well or have gotten to know me over the years, know that I am a reflective person. I have always been passionate about self-growth and have done a lot of work around leaning into who I am called to be. I went through really powerful faith transformations when I was in college, and to be honest kind of thought that I had hit the peak of that kind of transformation in my journey, but then 2020 happened. Like many, this year was unexpected and it has kicked my butt. Yet, as I take in the prayer from this morning, and think back on this past year as we get ready to ring in the new one, this year has kicked my butt in all of the ways I needed even if it's hard to admit. I sure wish it hadn't taken a pandemic, and I can't wait for all of it to be over, but I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude to my tribe that has walked with me this year, especially as I stepped into a new role. Especially for those in my tribe who always reach out and love me just the way that I am even though I stink at texting/responding. I also wanted to take a moment to share my prayer reflection for anyone who needs to be reminded to rest in the truth that you are extraordinary because you are loved by God just the way you are!
Here's to the new year focused on what really matters! An extraordinary love that can't be measured by actions.
With Love,
MGF
