A Spark of Hope...

"What book are you reading?"

"The Lucky One"

"What's it about?"

"It's about this Marine who finds a picture of a girl, and that picture saves him from dying several times. When he comes back from Iraq, he decides to look for her...."

"That sounds cheesy."

The average person would have probably had the same response and even I'm not disagreeing. After all it is a Nicholas Sparks classic.

What I found interesting about this conversation is that it helped confirm some thoughts I've been contemplating for some time now. Things that are cheesy or cliché are often paralleled with the words unrealistic or fake. Crazy. Dramatic. Pathetic. A waste of time.

And yet, people can't resist a little cheesiness every now and then. There is something about it. Even if it is overused or trying too hard. It has an intriguing element to it. It elicits the human's subconscious desires. The idea of it being impossible, almost makes us wish that it wasn't, especially if it's told in the right manner. (*cough cough Nicholas Sparks).

If you ask me, I think everyone ought to have a little cheesiness from time to time. Like laughter, I think it is good for the soul. So this post is to treating yourself to something cliché if you haven't in a while!

(In other words, I recommend reading The Lucky One /click on the link above).

Still Searching....

"Sometimes its not about what others think of you, but rather what you think of yourself."

I tend to set the bar high for myself and because of that I feel like others hold me to a higher standard too. I strive to be a good example and to do well in everything that I do. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, especially those who are always rooting for me. But sometimes I get caught up in the “fun” of life. "It's not a big deal," is usually the response that I get, but it doesn't help make me feel better. When my actions don't fall into alignment with the type of person I say I am, it is a big deal! And when I surround myself with people who question my set of beliefs and make me question them too, it is a big deal!

I know people don’t think I have it all together, but most people assume that I know how to handle all kinds of situations. That’s partly because I tend to be more of a listener than a talker. I tend to give advice and shoulder to lean on. I am defined by what others think of me and I often get lost in that definition. Truth is, I have struggled between who I am expected to be, who I want to be, and who I am supposed to be for far too long. In fact, up until two weeks ago, I couldn’t tell you the last time I genuinely felt alive. What changed that you ask? SEARCH. And I only wish there were words to accurately describe this amazing experience because it gave me the confidence to no longer compromise my authentic self. It helped me accept myself for who I am, who I want to be, and who I am supposed to be. It gave me a community with many wonderful people. It reminded me of the things that matter. It taught me a lesson with all of my mistakes and what it means to truly forgive myself. It showed me the importance of the people I surround myself with and what it means to be a true friend. It allowed me to be excited for the future and let go of the past...

It gave me back my smile.

Now I know that this state of mind will be challenged on some or most days, and a year from now I may think differently about all of this, but for the time being I am thankful for this humbling attitude. So this post is dedicated to the ever changing identity that plays an important role in how we approach life. This post is to the difference between how others see you and how you see yourself. It's the difference between simply getting by and true happiness. It doesn't necessarily mean it's the easier route, but it sure seems worth the fight!

Shout out to my yellow subs!




Citations: I do not own the rights to the picture in this post. I got it from google.

We Are Family

This past Saturday my cousin got married after dating his girlfriend for ten years. A year ago he invited the family to join him in San Francisco as he proposed to his beautiful girlfriend. I can't say I was lucky enough to be there, but I heard it was a very special moment for the two of them, and the family too. For a year we all waited for the big day to come and before we knew it, it finally came. The bridesmaids wore lilac colored dresses of their own, the best man looked spiffy in his royal blue tie, and everyone present knew that the bride and the groom were truly in love; a love that you don't often see anymore in this kind of world.

It was a beautiful wedding. The first one I have ever cried at before. That day not only gave me hope for love again, but it also reminded me of how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family because let me tell you, we know how to have a damn good time! Even though life isn't always what we want it to be, when we are together it honestly all goes away for that moment and I'm thankful that we can come together and create that kind of environment for each other. (I wish my brother and uncle could have been there though to really make the night feel complete, but they are each doing what they have to do and we are proud of them.)

I know I haven't posted on the blog in a while and this one isn't very long, but sometimes it's not about quantity. It's about quality. So this post is for my family because they add quality to my life. Congratulations to my cousin Angel and welcome to the family Brenda. To Eric, stay strong, and to my Tio Chava "Aqui Nadien Se Rinde."


Picture Citations: Family Tree. http://www.octa.com/family-tree-parents-day/

Well hey there stranger...

I love my friends, but then again who doesn't? After all isn't that what separates them from being strangers? However, I'd say that's not entirely true because how much of anyone do we really know for sure. There's always something we don't know.

There's always someone who hides their pain by smiling all the time, who seems to never be sad or have a bad day. They seem to have it together, but maybe that's because they would rather listen to what others are going through than to share their own story. Some might say that listening to what others are dealing with might help them feel better about their own life, but maybe it's because they would rather help out others before themselves. That could be because they are genuinely nice people or maybe it's just easier than finding out that their own advice only works for others.

There's always someone who is negative all the time, who complains about the weather even when it's beautiful outside. Some might call them bitter, but maybe they are just looking for something to make their life great. That could be because even though they are surrounded by a lot of people they feel alone, or maybe it's easier to be known as a debbie downer than for what goes on behind closed doors.

Whether someone wears their sorrows on their sleeve or hides them in the darkest corner of their room, it doesn't make them all that different from each other. We all go through things. Therefore, if you know the person who always has it together, don't be so quick to assume they have a perfect life and if you know the person who always has something to complain about, don't give up on them. You might just find yourself in their place one day and that you have more in common with them than you ever thought. So this post is to the strangers in our lives. After all they are just friends waiting to happen and there's always something you don't know.


Picture Citations: Place Hands Here. http://drcmd.wordpress.com/2010/12/17/place-your-hand-here/

Late Night...

Every so often I find myself having one of those nights; where you lay wide awake with so many thoughts that you don't even know where to begin. For me, it usually happens after a day of many obersvations, which require careful analyzation on my part and the best time to do that is right before I go to bed. Tonight, however, is different from those other ones. There's nothing left to analyze. Nothing I want to anyway.

http://youtu.be/8v_4O44sfjM

It hit me. And I'm almost afraid I'm too late. Scared I've wasted time. Sad I'm wasting more feeling bad about what I am just realizing now. It wasn't him that I was in "love" with. It was the "happy ending" I was looking forward to the most. If we ended up together, it would be just like all the love stories and movies. That's what I've always wanted. What girl doesn't want that really? I wanted that plotline to be real for me and that's why I was stubborn to let go. There were plenty of reasons for me to move on, but I was determined to find one that would give me approval for sticking around.

They say follow your heart, but that sucks. Every time I was ready to stop holding on, he would do something that would make me change my mind, only he wasn't promising me anything more than what we already had. I hate that I did that. I always saw what I wanted to see.

But it is now clearer than it ever was to me before. I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who makes me feel good about myself instead of having me wonder what she has that I don't. I deserve someone who makes me laugh after a long day or just because he can. Someone whom I can be a better version of myself with. I deserve someone who simply wants me back. I know that who I am might be too much for most guys to handle, but I'm determined to find the one who is not phased by the depth of a person such as myself.

I wasn't sure if I would publish this post on the blog because it would be showing a vulnerable side of me I wasn't ready for people to see, but I needed to do an "it is all said and done, it is what is" kind of thing because up until now I haven't gotten the necessary closure to finally move on. I also know I'm not the only one who has had their heart broken. So this post is to letting go, knowing what you are worth, not settling for anything less than you deserve, but most importantly to whom these closed doors will eventually lead us to.

(I want to thank those who let me vent to them about this situation, especially those who never told me to just get over it or judged me because of it.)


Picture Citations: I do not own the rights to the picture in this post. I got it from google.

All it takes is fear...

We are all afraid. Whether it’s as simple as crossing the street or going outside in the dark, we all have something that terrifies us. It can also go beyond being afraid of sharks or bugs. Some of us are mortified of the truth. Others, of not finding any answers. Some fear change and others, that things will always be the same. Losing loved ones and failure, are also fears many can relate to. I know I certainly can.

Fear has always been my biggest enemy and something tells me it hasn’t just been mine. The thing about fear is that if you are not careful, it soon begins to define who you are, causing you to lose hope and constantly having you look back at the past. It holds you back. Confuses you. Wants you to believe that you are not good enough and that giving up is what you need to do next.

We’ve all heard poems and speeches about fear. They encourage us not to give up. And in that moment, when the poem is being read out loud, we feel a positive energy running through us. We say to ourselves that today is the day when it will all be different. We are flying high and nothing can stop us. But more often than not, that feeling is only temporary.

Fear. It’s always going to be around. Some days it will get the best of us, but the days when it doesn’t, let’s not take them for granted because the past is a good friend of fear and that’s one more foe we don’t want to deal with. It will only make us waste time and prevent us from appreciating what lies before us. So this post is to letting fear do its thing, but YOU also doing your own. Food for thought, without fear, there would be no courage, nothing to stand up for, no heroes, etc. etc....

(In memory of Warren Wesley Warner III).




Picture Citations: Scared Eggs. http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/eggs_are_scared.htm

What If...

Over the weekend I went to see a really good friend perform at the Opera House in Napa. The show was incredible. All of the dancers did an amazing job. It made me want to be a dancer. When I was younger I took a couple dance classes here and there, but like everything that I start, that didn't last very long.

I use to play soccer and was really good, but once it started getting more competitive I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. I then started playing basketball, but again stopped once I started high school. I played the piano when I was younger, was also pretty good for never actually taking lessons, but after a while didn't continue with it either.

I could go on and on about all of the things I have tried, but I would rather not because it's easy to look at those phases as my inability to finish something that I start and that certainly is not a self-esteem booster. I know I had the potential to be really good at all of the activities I tried if I would have kept at them (well basketball would have been a reach because of my height), but I know that being a professional athlete or musician was not what I was meant to be. Still I find it hard not to wonder how things would have turned out if I would have kept playing soccer or if I would have kept taking dance lessons. Would continuing with either of those activities made a significant change in my life? I look at other people who have accomplished great things because of their dedication to their hobbies or favorite activities and I can't help but wonder how not really having one at this point in my life will affect my ability to someday do something great and meaningful.

I know I'm not the only one who gets caught up in the"what if..." moments. It's part of being human, but one thing I need to realize more often is that what I DO is far less important than WHO I am. At the end of the day it doesn't matter how many things I have accomplished, if who I have become is someone who is unpleasant to be around. I know my actions are not always going to align with my beliefs, and how I think about a certain topic may change a year from now, but I'd like to think that as long as I can find a way to remember who I really am, that I will be safe in this world. So this post is to the phases that help us learn more about who we are, what matters and how we see ourselves.


Picture Citations: Cat Looking In Mirror as Lion. http://everdaylittlethings.blogspot.com/2010/07/what-matters-most-is-how-you-see.html

Is There A Reason?

Does everything really happen for a reason? Or is that just something we like to tell ourselves when something doesn't go as planned? Up until recently I was one of those individuals who strongly advocated for that optimistic point of view, but it's difficult not to question when it seems that thing after thing is not part of your master plan.

Along with "believing" that everything happens for a reason, I also believe that every individual has a purpose in this life. We were all placed on this Earth to leave a mark. One person's accomplishment may not be known to the world as much as someone else's, but it doesn't make it any less important. We are all significant and are part of the bigger picture.

Life, while it's beautiful, gets frustrating, especially when you try so hard to do the right thing and anything and everything feels wrong. Instead of moving forward and making progress on your journey, you find yourself constantly readjusting the sails on the metaphorical boat of life in hope that the wind will finally lead you in the right direction. It seems unfair. It becomes easy to feel hopeless and even easier to point fingers. What more can you do to feel like you are not just wasting your time?

You convince yourself there is a reason for the outcome of each situation gone bad and that eventually it will all be worth it. But where do you draw the line? When is enough, not being a coward or a quitter? Are we wrong for trying to make ourselves feel better about crappy situations for a moment by coming up with cliche advice? Or have we actually figured out one of life's black holes?

Do things really happen for a reason?

Yesterday I went to the orthodontist to get my splint readjusted and came out really upset when I realized how much more ridiculous I looked than the last time I was there. (I know how superficial this probably sounds, but it actually does lead to a deeper point).

In an attempt to help make me feel better, my mother told me to look at the bright side. "Things could be worse. There's a reason for all of this," she said. I was too angry to allow her words to make me feel better. However, that same feeling of frustration inspired the topic for this post and just like that, the doubts I had about things happening for a reason disappeared. If I hadn't gotten a thicker layer on my splint, I wouldn't have been upset and there would probably still be only two posts on my blog because the only other topic I had in mind was about boredom and I was not really feeling that. So this post is to the unexpected moments that reassure us that things DO happen for a reason and that nothing is a mere coincidence. It is not always going to click right away, but the moment it does makes it all worth it once again.

(I wrote this a while ago, and while there are moments I understand happen for a reason, there are still some I struggle with accepting.)


Picture Citations: Things Fall Apart so that Other can Fall together. http://yourdailyenlightenment.wordpress.com/2011/09/02/fall-together/

C.H.A.N.G.E.

As we grow up we have to learn to adjust to change. Whether it is easy for some or harder for others, either way it is inevitable. Sayings like "time is going by too fast" start becoming apparent and real. You try to cherish the present more, but as much as you try, time is just not going to slow down. You have to stay on top of things, but for people like me that is difficult when sleep is so good and facing reality is your least favorite thing to do.

I think one of the reasons I don't like change is because of the impact it has had on my relationships with family and friends. (Two of the most important things in my life). It's scary to think that one moment someone can be a big part of your life and the next they can become "someone who use to be..."

As much as you try and hold on to the way things were, just as much as you wish time would slow down, things are different and it's better to accept that sooner rather than later. Just because you avoid something doesn't mean it is not happening.

Sometimes it's permanent. Sometimes it's not.

People grow apart. It sucks. It hurts. It's life.

Sometimes you just don't see someone as often as you wish so you feel a little defeated or discouraged on top of everything else that is already happening in your life.

Sometimes it takes time, a few or a lot of words to make it all better. Or not even a hug will do it.

One thing is for sure. "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints in our hearts and we are never ever the same." Just because a friendship is no longer what it use to be doesn't mean it was never real, that it was meaningless, or that it's over. You just have to ask yourself whether or not it's worth fighting for. I like to think that once you're my friend, you're always my friend. In other words, no matter where life takes us, no matter how often I see you, how much we may piss each other off sometimes or you make me feel like second best, if you need me and I can help, I will.

This past year, change has kicked my butt, especially with figuring out which friendships are still real and which ones no longer are, but it has made me a stronger person and so I can't be too ungrateful for it. So this post is to change and the friendships it has blessed me with.


Picture Citations: Change Ahead. http://tasithoughts.com/2012/07/11/change-ahead/

This.Is.My.First.Post.

The other night I had a dream about me losing all of my teeth. I've had dreams like that several times before so I decided to look up what those kind of dreams might mean.

One interpretation suggested that someone with many worries and anxieties might have these types of dreams, which I thought fit me pretty well. Another interpretation suggested I was "worried about my appearance", which I thought was interesting since I recently dyed my hair and it looks like someone poured 10 bottles of wine on my head and I am still trying to get it out. I also got a splint in my mouth in an attempt to help fix the problem of clicking and locking I have with my jaw. I sound ridiculous when I talk. Great combination if you ask me.

If only life was as easy as interpreting dreams. I've spent 19 years of my life trying to figure out how everything works and let me tell you, its is VERY exhausting. I've always taken life more seriously than I should and more than the average person in general. Every new year, every school year, summer, and every birthday I come up with a new resolution, but it never seems to stick. It's summer again. I'm going to be a sophomore in college and yes I have a resolution for myself. This time I'd like to think I will keep it going. I've decided it's time to stop trying and start taking action.*Hint: That's why I'm blogging ;) Being a writer has always been my dream and I know it's probably not a unique dream since there are so many amazing authors out there, but it's what I want to do. I want to inspire people through my writing. I want to be one of those people that one day gets invited to talk about her book. I'm aware it won't happen over night, but if I don't start sharing what is on my mind then it will definitely never happen. So this first post is to my 74th resolution: letting people in my mind. Have fun!


Picture Citations: I do not own the rights to the picture in this post. I got it from google.