Late Night...

Every so often I find myself having one of those nights; where you lay wide awake with so many thoughts that you don't even know where to begin. For me, it usually happens after a day of many obersvations, which require careful analyzation on my part and the best time to do that is right before I go to bed. Tonight, however, is different from those other ones. There's nothing left to analyze. Nothing I want to anyway.

http://youtu.be/8v_4O44sfjM

It hit me. And I'm almost afraid I'm too late. Scared I've wasted time. Sad I'm wasting more feeling bad about what I am just realizing now. It wasn't him that I was in "love" with. It was the "happy ending" I was looking forward to the most. If we ended up together, it would be just like all the love stories and movies. That's what I've always wanted. What girl doesn't want that really? I wanted that plotline to be real for me and that's why I was stubborn to let go. There were plenty of reasons for me to move on, but I was determined to find one that would give me approval for sticking around.

They say follow your heart, but that sucks. Every time I was ready to stop holding on, he would do something that would make me change my mind, only he wasn't promising me anything more than what we already had. I hate that I did that. I always saw what I wanted to see.

But it is now clearer than it ever was to me before. I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who makes me feel good about myself instead of having me wonder what she has that I don't. I deserve someone who makes me laugh after a long day or just because he can. Someone whom I can be a better version of myself with. I deserve someone who simply wants me back. I know that who I am might be too much for most guys to handle, but I'm determined to find the one who is not phased by the depth of a person such as myself.

I wasn't sure if I would publish this post on the blog because it would be showing a vulnerable side of me I wasn't ready for people to see, but I needed to do an "it is all said and done, it is what is" kind of thing because up until now I haven't gotten the necessary closure to finally move on. I also know I'm not the only one who has had their heart broken. So this post is to letting go, knowing what you are worth, not settling for anything less than you deserve, but most importantly to whom these closed doors will eventually lead us to.

(I want to thank those who let me vent to them about this situation, especially those who never told me to just get over it or judged me because of it.)


Picture Citations: I do not own the rights to the picture in this post. I got it from google.