What If...

Over the weekend I went to see a really good friend perform at the Opera House in Napa. The show was incredible. All of the dancers did an amazing job. It made me want to be a dancer. When I was younger I took a couple dance classes here and there, but like everything that I start, that didn't last very long.

I use to play soccer and was really good, but once it started getting more competitive I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. I then started playing basketball, but again stopped once I started high school. I played the piano when I was younger, was also pretty good for never actually taking lessons, but after a while didn't continue with it either.

I could go on and on about all of the things I have tried, but I would rather not because it's easy to look at those phases as my inability to finish something that I start and that certainly is not a self-esteem booster. I know I had the potential to be really good at all of the activities I tried if I would have kept at them (well basketball would have been a reach because of my height), but I know that being a professional athlete or musician was not what I was meant to be. Still I find it hard not to wonder how things would have turned out if I would have kept playing soccer or if I would have kept taking dance lessons. Would continuing with either of those activities made a significant change in my life? I look at other people who have accomplished great things because of their dedication to their hobbies or favorite activities and I can't help but wonder how not really having one at this point in my life will affect my ability to someday do something great and meaningful.

I know I'm not the only one who gets caught up in the"what if..." moments. It's part of being human, but one thing I need to realize more often is that what I DO is far less important than WHO I am. At the end of the day it doesn't matter how many things I have accomplished, if who I have become is someone who is unpleasant to be around. I know my actions are not always going to align with my beliefs, and how I think about a certain topic may change a year from now, but I'd like to think that as long as I can find a way to remember who I really am, that I will be safe in this world. So this post is to the phases that help us learn more about who we are, what matters and how we see ourselves.


Picture Citations: Cat Looking In Mirror as Lion. http://everdaylittlethings.blogspot.com/2010/07/what-matters-most-is-how-you-see.html

Is There A Reason?

Does everything really happen for a reason? Or is that just something we like to tell ourselves when something doesn't go as planned? Up until recently I was one of those individuals who strongly advocated for that optimistic point of view, but it's difficult not to question when it seems that thing after thing is not part of your master plan.

Along with "believing" that everything happens for a reason, I also believe that every individual has a purpose in this life. We were all placed on this Earth to leave a mark. One person's accomplishment may not be known to the world as much as someone else's, but it doesn't make it any less important. We are all significant and are part of the bigger picture.

Life, while it's beautiful, gets frustrating, especially when you try so hard to do the right thing and anything and everything feels wrong. Instead of moving forward and making progress on your journey, you find yourself constantly readjusting the sails on the metaphorical boat of life in hope that the wind will finally lead you in the right direction. It seems unfair. It becomes easy to feel hopeless and even easier to point fingers. What more can you do to feel like you are not just wasting your time?

You convince yourself there is a reason for the outcome of each situation gone bad and that eventually it will all be worth it. But where do you draw the line? When is enough, not being a coward or a quitter? Are we wrong for trying to make ourselves feel better about crappy situations for a moment by coming up with cliche advice? Or have we actually figured out one of life's black holes?

Do things really happen for a reason?

Yesterday I went to the orthodontist to get my splint readjusted and came out really upset when I realized how much more ridiculous I looked than the last time I was there. (I know how superficial this probably sounds, but it actually does lead to a deeper point).

In an attempt to help make me feel better, my mother told me to look at the bright side. "Things could be worse. There's a reason for all of this," she said. I was too angry to allow her words to make me feel better. However, that same feeling of frustration inspired the topic for this post and just like that, the doubts I had about things happening for a reason disappeared. If I hadn't gotten a thicker layer on my splint, I wouldn't have been upset and there would probably still be only two posts on my blog because the only other topic I had in mind was about boredom and I was not really feeling that. So this post is to the unexpected moments that reassure us that things DO happen for a reason and that nothing is a mere coincidence. It is not always going to click right away, but the moment it does makes it all worth it once again.

(I wrote this a while ago, and while there are moments I understand happen for a reason, there are still some I struggle with accepting.)


Picture Citations: Things Fall Apart so that Other can Fall together. http://yourdailyenlightenment.wordpress.com/2011/09/02/fall-together/

C.H.A.N.G.E.

As we grow up we have to learn to adjust to change. Whether it is easy for some or harder for others, either way it is inevitable. Sayings like "time is going by too fast" start becoming apparent and real. You try to cherish the present more, but as much as you try, time is just not going to slow down. You have to stay on top of things, but for people like me that is difficult when sleep is so good and facing reality is your least favorite thing to do.

I think one of the reasons I don't like change is because of the impact it has had on my relationships with family and friends. (Two of the most important things in my life). It's scary to think that one moment someone can be a big part of your life and the next they can become "someone who use to be..."

As much as you try and hold on to the way things were, just as much as you wish time would slow down, things are different and it's better to accept that sooner rather than later. Just because you avoid something doesn't mean it is not happening.

Sometimes it's permanent. Sometimes it's not.

People grow apart. It sucks. It hurts. It's life.

Sometimes you just don't see someone as often as you wish so you feel a little defeated or discouraged on top of everything else that is already happening in your life.

Sometimes it takes time, a few or a lot of words to make it all better. Or not even a hug will do it.

One thing is for sure. "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints in our hearts and we are never ever the same." Just because a friendship is no longer what it use to be doesn't mean it was never real, that it was meaningless, or that it's over. You just have to ask yourself whether or not it's worth fighting for. I like to think that once you're my friend, you're always my friend. In other words, no matter where life takes us, no matter how often I see you, how much we may piss each other off sometimes or you make me feel like second best, if you need me and I can help, I will.

This past year, change has kicked my butt, especially with figuring out which friendships are still real and which ones no longer are, but it has made me a stronger person and so I can't be too ungrateful for it. So this post is to change and the friendships it has blessed me with.


Picture Citations: Change Ahead. http://tasithoughts.com/2012/07/11/change-ahead/

This.Is.My.First.Post.

The other night I had a dream about me losing all of my teeth. I've had dreams like that several times before so I decided to look up what those kind of dreams might mean.

One interpretation suggested that someone with many worries and anxieties might have these types of dreams, which I thought fit me pretty well. Another interpretation suggested I was "worried about my appearance", which I thought was interesting since I recently dyed my hair and it looks like someone poured 10 bottles of wine on my head and I am still trying to get it out. I also got a splint in my mouth in an attempt to help fix the problem of clicking and locking I have with my jaw. I sound ridiculous when I talk. Great combination if you ask me.

If only life was as easy as interpreting dreams. I've spent 19 years of my life trying to figure out how everything works and let me tell you, its is VERY exhausting. I've always taken life more seriously than I should and more than the average person in general. Every new year, every school year, summer, and every birthday I come up with a new resolution, but it never seems to stick. It's summer again. I'm going to be a sophomore in college and yes I have a resolution for myself. This time I'd like to think I will keep it going. I've decided it's time to stop trying and start taking action.*Hint: That's why I'm blogging ;) Being a writer has always been my dream and I know it's probably not a unique dream since there are so many amazing authors out there, but it's what I want to do. I want to inspire people through my writing. I want to be one of those people that one day gets invited to talk about her book. I'm aware it won't happen over night, but if I don't start sharing what is on my mind then it will definitely never happen. So this first post is to my 74th resolution: letting people in my mind. Have fun!


Picture Citations: I do not own the rights to the picture in this post. I got it from google.