Living Like She Still Is...

Three weeks ago I picked up the phone and dialed a number I never thought I would. Maybe he won't answer I thought to myself, but then he did. I could tell he was surprised by my call, but I could also tell he was glad that I did. I shared with him what I had been up to that weekend- I was at a leadership conference/retreat called Landmark. I wasn't really sure how to describe it, except that this experience had opened me up to the possibility of having the family my grandma always dreamed about. I knew it would not be easy, but I was willing to take the risk for my grandma. 

I invited him to come to the final night of the forum where he would have the chance to hear what the weekend had done for other people. He told me he was proud of me for taking the risk and that he would try to make it. As I hung up the phone I was both excited and scared for what would happen next. I had made 1 out of 10 phone calls. I sure did get myself into something big...

I called the rest of my uncles, aunts, and my mom to tell them about my weekend. (I still need to get a hold of three of them) I called them to share with them the new perspective of life I had received. To just say hello and tell them I loved them. I invited them all to come to the final evening. They all told me they would try to make it.

Now, it was the final night. I anxiously made my way to the Hyatt Hotel where the last session would take place. I kept looking at the clock and then turning around to see if any of my guests had arrived. As the session began and my guests were no where to be seen, my heart started beating faster. I could barely hear what the forum leader was saying. I had told everyone at the forum that my family would be here. There was no way I would go up to the microphone and share. But JC was there. My friends Erin and Nick were there. My best friend Alex was there. Gary was there...

My grandma was there. And before I knew it, my hand was up in the air and I was chosen to go up and share with over 300 people.

"Hello, my name is Maira Gutierrez and I am a senior at Santa Clara University. One of my strong suits is being quiet, but tonight I will not be. This weekend has shown me how important it is to know the difference between a story and what actually happened. For example, I invited my mom and her family to come tonight because I wanted to enroll them into the possibility of being the family my grandma always wanted, but they aren't here. I can stand here and say that this means they don't love me, that they don't care about my grandma and her dreams OR I can say what actually happened, which was they were working late and were unable to make it tonight. This didn't mean they didn't want to move forward the way my grandma wanted them to and the way I invited them to and it certainly did not mean I was going to give up on being a champion for my family. I struggled with deciding who I should invite and call because I had different relationships with each of my uncles and aunts, but as I thought about what my grandma would do, I knew I needed to call them all. I knew some would think I was naive, but I couldn't let that stop me. One thing I learned this weekend is that even though my grandma is gone, I can honor her by being the woman she wanted me to be. By being just like her- a brave, strong, forgiving, and loving woman."

That night I spoke like my grandma would have wanted me to and I was so grateful for the breakthrough I had. I never thought I would be able to speak in front of a crowd like that. 

Now, I still have some phone calls to make. I should have made them a while ago, but I'm hoping this post will hold me accountable. I have not been posting regularly on here either, so I hope that changes after this post too. I have been blessed with several breakthroughs I want to share. And just little graces here and there from the big man upstairs.

It is what it is, but there is always a reason to smile. This is for you grandma <3