For a season...

So one can say I have been a little extra sensitive lately. Perhaps it's because I am halfway done with my Senior year of college. The fact I don't really know what I am doing after graduation probably adds to it. All I know is that I would like to get my Masters in Divinity either from Notre Dame, Boston, or Berkley. I have been encouraged to apply for a year of service through JVC as a way of getting experience and to more deeply discern my desire to be a Campus Minister. But I have little desire to immerse myself into this lifestyle for a whole year. Thoughts such as does this make me a bad person come into mind. Who wouldn't want to do service for a year?

The thing is that it's not that I don't want to do service, I do. It's the part about committing for a whole year that is not the right fit for me. I think a balance of service with a job would be a better fit for me. It's been a while since I have been home and I'd like to have the freedom to be able to visit family before I take the big step of going to graduate school further away.

Before coming to Santa Clara I don't think I had heard the word discern. Honestly, I don't think I heard this word until I became involved with CLC. Now that word is part of my everyday vocabulary. Through the language of Ignatian Spirituality I have learned to discern where God is calling me. I have learned to discern between the voice of good and evil. Between two goods. Between my voice and the voice coming from God, which is always more encouraging than my own. That same voice that tells me I am not a bad person for not doing service for a whole year. That voice that comforts me and guides me in discerning. This of course doesn't mean I am an expert. There are times when it becomes harder to pay attention to the movement of my feelings when I pray. Perhaps that is because I have not been spending very much time in prayer.

It's hard for me to focus in prayer when I have so much going on. I try to invite God into everything so that I may be present and enjoy every day, but lately my emotions have fogged my vision. If I'm being authetic and honest, these emotions are coming from a place similar to my senior year in high school. When friendships change, it's difficult for me to adjust. I get in my head about it and make it about me. What did I do to make this happen? Why does it feel that even though I am trying, I've already been left behind? Perhaps it's because I have been. I think that is one of the hardest things to discern: What is God trying to tell me through this friendship and its change? Why is it so important for me to hold on? What if I let go? How is this keeping me from being free?

I was reminded of a quote last night. "People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." She said, "It's true that people come into our lives for a reason and some stay with us all our lives, but the hardest one is when people only stay for a season."

When people only stay for a season...

It's hard for me to accept that when they were a reason I felt at home. It's hard to accept that when they brought so much joy in my life. It's hard to accept that when I shared some of my deepest fears with them. It's hard to accept that when it all feels out of your control- the thing that changed. But like with all that is out of my control, I must trust and let go. I must trust and offer it up.

As my young 18 year self wrote in a post four years ago, "Just because a friendship is no longer what it use to be doesn't mean it was never real, that it was meaningless, or that it's over. You just have to ask yourself whether or not it's worth fighting for. I like to think that once you're my friend, you're always my friend." Things might be different, but when ever you need a friend, I am there.

And as I was reminded by a good friend, " It is what it is, but there is always a reason to smile."

<3